Of the Brink

"I dreamed i saw a great wave,climbing over green lands and above the hills.I stood upon the brink,it was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet.A light shone behind me,but i could not turn.I could only stand there,waiting..."

A line from the Extended Edition of The Return of the King by Eowyn.It was supposed to be a line for Faramir in the books,but i guess Faramir wouldnt mind giving it to his wife.Anyway,a description of the dream i seem to be able to relate.The quiet yet brief moments looking at the dark sea before me on the fifth floor of building 44 triggered the memory of this line.

BMT started,and to be honest things are running faster than usual right now.If you've watched "The Time Machine",you wouldve noticed the cool effects used in the movie when Alexander Hartdegen fast-forwards the time.That's exactly how the situation is like in camp now.I must add,that the trainings remain the same.I still feel that it is rather slack relative to the army life a couple of years back.The most tiring thing about the trainings is the fact that they are so crammed up together like tuna in a can.Just compacted up and squeezed together.Everything's supposed to be finished within a certain time frame,and they dont care if it eats into your free time or not despite proclaiming how much they respect them.To be honest,the army is just a big propaganda bullshit with a bunch of lies.Adrian in particular,feels queasy everytime he chances upon a propagandising poster stuck onto walls in the platoon office that reads,"Care for Soldiers".It is both ironic and Eye-Roll inducing.You hardly get more than 15 minutes of break between each training,and your day starts at 530am and ends around 1010pm on average.That leaves about 20 minutes of free time before lights out.And that includes washing up,brushing your teeth,changing into more comfortable clothes and calling your girlfriends.All of that in 20 minutes,and one can really find it hard to breathe.Personally,i am a victim of this hectic system.After the IPPT(Sort of like the Napfa),i was totally shagged.I gave it my all,and the results were desirable i must say.However,i was not given any breaks in between.It was closly followed by intense body contact trainings,first aid tests under baking hot sun and swimming lessons.By the end of everything i was suffering from a cracking forehead and a bad throat.I wonder if the people in the army ever realised that you cannot defend your country with sick soldiers practically everywhere.It is sensible,isnt it?

This is also why i am back home right now while everybody else is in camp training.I am down with a bad flu,and the MO(Medical Officers)gave me a medical leave back home.In a way,i am happy that i am home right before field camp.At least i get to have a breather before anything starts.But the downside of things is that i am going to miss a lot of lessons.But hell,im not going to give a shit about it.It's not like i want to go home anyway.Seriously,i wouldve stayed.Anyhow,since i am here i might as well give an update on things.

Back to the main topic,i feel as if i am on the brink of life.The edge of everything that i have grown to know.The army is like a hole on the road,and when you drive pass this hole your wheel gets stuck inside.The bad news is not the fact that you are stuck,but the fact that you are going to be stuck in this hole for two years.Imagine if you are in a Formula One race track and Michael Schumacher gets stuck in a hole like that while everybody else is speeding by.I bet even the world number one is going to erupt like a volcano.It is like a break in life,and this break is causing me to lose precious time.So much can be done within this year or two,and i am here doing things like that.Usually the word "Break" would mean a rest from something.But not in this case.Ironically,"Break" here literally means a detachment from your everyday life.It is frustrating in a way,when you come out from camp and surprised at home much you missed out from the outside world.True enough,Tekong does remind me of an alienated world.A twilight zone perhaps,that stands between the real world and the dream world.It shares nothing common with the real world that lies beyond the dark sea.Oh yes,the night sky.Something the twilight zone possesses that is worthy of remembrance.A short note i jotted down in camp concerning the beauty of it all:

"...This place is still so cold in the mornings,and the city lights are still so close to us over and across the sea.That dark void in between,the line of divergence between surrealism and reality.That darkness reflecting all but the most beautiful sight:The stars.The sparkling lights in the skies forms a line with the city lights,guiding me home like the Northern Star..."

Like Eowyn,before me lies a void.An abyss that falls into nothingness.Ahead of me,destruction of beauty and what you used to know.The light is behind,but you cannot turn.You just have to face the oncoming wave.This is so coincidental.How my situation seems to fit the Tsunami incident a month or so ago.I guess the people must have felt so helpless when the great waves came.So small against the force of Mother Nature.They just had to face it,even with full knowledge that they wont be able to handle it.And as for me,im not too sure if i am going to survive army life.Sure enough,i am probably going to survive physically.I am going to walk out of this bruised and scratched.Wounds can heal,but im more worried and concerned over my mental health.How it is going to jump back to life.I really want to stay away from this brink of life.The edge of reality.Standing on the edge makes you unknown.The chances of you being forgotten gradually increases.Think about it,the unwanted things you have in your house are often stuffed up in the corner right?How many of those things can you clearly remember at the tip of your fingers?With me being in the edge of life itself,i wonder how anybody can be remembered this way.How the pushing of me to the edge is going to make me more "Man" like how the army promises to make us.I dont feel more patriotic(Im not a Singaporean in the first place),and i dont feel more disciplined.I dont feel that NS changed anything in me yet,not mentally anyway.

It is strange how we are all on the same plane,but the difference between the centre and the brink can have so vast a difference.It's just the difference in positioning,but the attention you get can be totally different.The centre of attention are often harder to forget as compared to those at the edge.The brink of life itself.As though i am left on the edge to rot and gather thus,it can get really tough living by myself alone on the island.Beneath the sweat hides the anguish,and beneath the helmet and the field packs sits a man that is on the edge of everything,eager to break free.

I guess in everyone of us,lies a person that sits on the edge.In your life you encounter this man sitting on the edge,and you become him or her for a while.Then you start to realise how fortunate you are to be back in the centre.Fingers crossed.

Song of the Moment---Walk on the Ocean by Toad The Wet Sprocket