Of the Blind Archer and his Confession
I figured,since this entry will be my last entry in a long time,i dont see why i shouldnt make it a tad bit longer than usual.I know,ive recieved complains from friends like Samuel Ong that my entries have been growing in length since forever ago.Well,there are a couple of things in my life that i dont have control over.Thoughts,being one of them.They just keep coming,and like a man laying tracks before a speeding train i have to type them all down in words.Please forgive me for being so long winded,but sometimes it is the only way to come around.

For some reason the song from the "Closer" trailer keeps ringing in my head.I have not a clue what the name of the song is,or the singer(Perhaps Krishna you can enlighten me).But everytime i watch the trailer i feel this desperate urge to find it on the net.Here's the link.

Link to the Trailer

While the rest of the song doesnt seem to relate to my life right now,the first two lines do."And so it is.Just like you said it would be..." For some reason,it just hit me in face like pancakes on a surprise birthday party.Right now,here i am sitting on the sofa in my room,watching as the clock go by.A tribute to the first scene in "About Schimidt",where Warren Schimdt awaits in his office for the clock to hit five;his official time to retire.We do things in life for a purpose,whether you like it or not.You go downstairs and plug the key into the car because you want to drive to the mall to pick up some food.You go on to the net because you want to talk to friends,and perhaps make new ones.You pick up your guitar because the silence around you is too hard to bear,and your fingers need a little stretching exercise.Whatever it is,we all do things for different purposes.

The last days of my life here seem to be losing a lot of those.Purposes.Destinations or goals dont seem to exist anymore.We make friends,and we build certain bonds and relationships with them.This takes time,and it doesnt happen overnight.I was just thinking to myself yesterday night what the significance is right now to make friends.I wont meet them too often.Not often enough to have any forms of relationships or bonds building up.Twice a week,for the next two years.In my opinion,that is call a shortage.A shortage of time.Time working against you.So you start to wonder what is the purpose of making friends now.Because this relationship seems to have an expiry date marked on it.And that is,10th of December.After that,it is going to disintegrate to a relation that is as close as the relationship between you and the manhole at the side of the streets.Believe me,with that expiry date looming ahead,all purpose is gone.

I was moody yesterday night for some reason.Hot fumes escaped my nostrils and ears,and i just wanted to strangle somebody.I picked up my guitar and decided to learn something new."Neon" and "83" i tried,but to no avail.Once again,the purpose of learning a new song seems to be gone as well.I dont know how these songs' tabs are supposed to remain in my mind.It is impossible to learn a song in a day.Not these two anyway.So there i was,strumming at imaginary chords wondering what is the purpose of learning a new tune.Because i wont get a lot of chances to play it when i am away.I dont think anybody is stupid enough to drag a guitar all the way to the off shore island of Pulau Tekong,just to entertain his bunkmates with music(Though i have my fingers crossed).Once again,i dont see the purpose of doing anything,anymore.A friend of mine asked me what i was doing while i stared blankly into space.I simply replied,"I dont know what i am doing anymore..."

"And so it is.Just like you said it would be..."

And so it is.On the eve of my enlistment date i am stranded on the Island of Boredom.Without a purpose and doing things with no apparent goals.I cannot blame anybody for this.After all,i think i am the one responsible for subotaging the boat and capsizing it in the middle of the ocean.I am here,right now doing nothing.Absolutely nothing at all that is remotely constructive(Aside from this entry of course).People would think,that the last days as "Free Man" should be spent having fun.Clubbing,drinking,singing,dancing,you name it.But to me,i just dont have the mood to do any of the above.Im just,mood-less.Perhaps this is a mental disease that ive contracted.You ever seen those mental patients staring into deep space and drooling all over themselves?Well,im not drooling.Yet.But i am staring nonetheless.I guess we've all come to realise that some purpose in life are lost.Just,gone because of an impending doom ahead.A forthcoming catastrophe waiting to occur.A bloody TNT waiting to explode.

Looking back,there are so many things i took for granted.Of course,it was unintentional.Friends are buttons away from me.A phone call,or just simply logging on to the internet.I wonder how that is going to change while i am in camp.The only communication then would be pen and paper.Through the traditional method i guess.Post.Because of that,a lot of things are going to be missed when i am away.Mom's cookings.Dad's lame jokes.Hell,i am probably going to miss my sister's constant irritation as well.Then there are my friends,who have been there for me through all the thicks and the thins.It never occured to me that i am going to lose them anytime soon until now.I know i will be coming back.I know this is not a departure that is going to last for eternity.But people have legs and dreams.They move around.And by the time you return,they are going to be so totally different from before.I myself,would be so much more different.So in the end,both parties end up like total strangers.We start back at one.

Like the chess board,the pieces are set.Dad's back from Taiwan to send me off to NS.The bag's packed,and i am already saying farewell to my hair.I remember how i used to wave goodbye to my room when i was a kid while going on a long holiday overseas.I wonder if i should do that again.After all,im sure we did a lot of stupid things back then when NS was part of a fairy tale and school was a playground.Everything is set for me to depart,save for one.Me.

The board is set.
The pieces are moving.
We come to it at last.
The great battle of our time.

Gandalf said that,and i guess it applies to me.Of course,that is if you change the "We" to "I",and "Our" to "My".This is a battle,literally.The battle of wits,and courage.Mental torture awaits,and im not sure if i can take it.Im sure ropes can be easily attained in camp.Of course,i must first find an overhanging pole or pipe to hang myself.Committing suicide wouldnt be much of a problem inside(But it poses a problem to my bunkmates).Or simply run out through the gates and wait for the guards to shoot me.Do remember then,to write a "Thank You" note.

I am like a blind archer now.Always hitting the target before i got blind.With every arrow that i release,it soars through the air and hits every single target.With the frequency of hitting the target being so high,we start to take this ability for granted.Most of the time,unintentionally.After a fatal and tragic accident,i went blind.I cannot shoot as accurately anymore.I am missing things.People.So many people in my life.I am missing them everytime i try to reach out.I keep missing,and going off target.Friends from school that i am going to miss.Family members.Objects like my computer,guitar and such.How can one possibily look at this in a positive and optimistic manner?I am going to miss you guys,and it is already taking its toll on me.Soon i shall be blind.Hitting a target would be like trying to score a goal from a mile away.Missing you guys,shall become a norm for this soon-to-be blind archer.And that is me.

All my bags are packed
Im ready to go.
Im standing here outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking,
This early morn'.
The taxi's waiting,
He's blowing his horn.
Already im so lonesome i could cry.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Cause im leaving on a jetplane.
I dont know when i'll be back again.
Oh babe,i hate to go.

Never really thought that i would actually relate to this song.But i am.And i can.It sucks to leave.Really.But i must,however unwilling.Pray for me.Pray that i will return with my limb still intact,with no broken bones and holes in my head.That i can walk home myself with both my feet,carry my bags with both my arms,hear your whispers and still smile at your jokes.Really.That is all i need.Prayers.I hate to leave.I hate to leave.So really hate to leave.This is killing me,even before anything has happened.

So here comes the end of this entry.Maybe the last entry in a long time.Hopefully,this will not be the end of my blog.It lives on,as i continue to jot down notes in the notebook i am going to bring along.Before that,i guess this blog will close temporarily.Unless Samuel,you are willing to maintain it for me.So this is farewell.Nermallie,as the elves would say it.

Home is behind.
The world ahead.
And there are many paths to trait.
Through shadow,
To the edge of night.
Until the stars are all alight.
Mist and shadow,
Cloud and shade.
All shall fade...
All shall fade...
---Pippin