Of the Snake and the Rope
There's a chinese proverb that goes like this in English: Once bitten by a snake,that fear remains within you for the next ten years even when you see a rope amongst tall grass.Basically,its talking about being traumatized.To be subjected to a psychological trauma.To be afraid of something with the slightest resemblance to an ordeal.Perhaps if we can remove this fear,maybe life would be so much better.So much easier.

Like i mentioned before,my Secondary School chinese teacher said something real true.He said that life is like a series of bus stops on a bus route.People come and go,and sometimes the loyal ones stay with you at the bus stops.But sooner or later,they'll have to take their own buses to destinations unknown to you.Perhaps one day you might alight on the same bus stop as one or two of them,but chances are you are never going to.So when one comes along the way,grab them while you have the chance.Im not a fan of teen popcorn movies.After all,they pretty much ends the same way,with the storyline a rip off of one another.But the movie "Cant Hardly Wait" had a great line,which perhaps was the only thing worthy about the movie(Well,save for Jennifer Love Hewitt).

"There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there its up to you to make it happen."

Once fate comes knocking on your door,its not gonna wait for you to answer.Not too long anyway.You have to make the effort to crawl out of that bed and open the door yourself.Well,i guess its right.But im not sure if i am going to follow what i just said,when the "Traumatized" side of me steps into play.Maybe that side of me would tie me down to the bed,strap my legs and blindfold me.Its weird how the traumatized me can hold me down so strongly,with a temptation all that great.

People come and go.Some says hi and some just give a cold stare.You smile to some,while you stick out your tongue at them silently under your breath.For those you smile at,you wish to hold them forever and not have them board the bus away from the bus stop.Then you conjur up all the tricks you have under your sleeves,so that perhaps he or she will stay at this bus stop and never leave.You like some people,and you hate some people.For the ones you like,you just want to tell them your affection for them.It might be a serious crush,a simple crush,love,"Friend-Crush",Friends or whatever.But being traumatized once with an experience such as this,forces you to take a step or two backwards.To retreat into this corner of yours,where you just sit and watch his or her every move.Keep quiet,be silent,speechless.Sometimes,you just want to break away from this fear.They always say,to stand up for yourself and to walk out from your past.But,is it really that simple?I was thinking about this as i studied on my balcony once more just now.I had a plan.I wanted to get to know someone better.Of course,that doesnt mean its going to develop into anything more than a friendship.But whatever it is,i was just thinking about it.But i told myself,"Im probably going to mess up."

When did i become somebody without confidence in such things?The traumatized self is holding me back.Now i know how Anakin felt when he yelled "Its Obi Wan's fault!He's holding me back!".I guess Obi Wan might be my evil half,the traumatized self.Because of his fear of a "Repeated History" i am deprived of doing something remotely similar to it again.Come to think about it,i can just imagine what's going to happen.A simple introduction,followed by my excuses for getting to know her,then a brief conversation ending with me stabbing myself with an invisible knife,and imagining my guts flowing out of my body and myself dying in a pool of blood.Yeah,im probably going to commit suicide,subconsiously.Because of that single incident in the past,the "Guts" or motivation to do something is now gone.For example,a friend of mine was robbed in a lift while she was going home from school one day.Thank god she only suffered minor injury in the face after being punched,but after that day she would walk up the staircases instead of taking the lift.Then you come to wonder why there's such a thing called "Trauma".Dont you think life would be so much easier without the presence of these irritating psychological bullshit?

So,the people come.I try to take hold of them sometimes.But that traumatised me pulls my hands back,tie them to a metal pole and covers me with a blanket until the bus drives off,with the person i desire most aboard.Fate is always around.They exist.They are everywhere.Sometimes you see them,sometimes you dont.Its like how the stars are always up in the sky,but you dont see them.Its like how the clouds are always floating about,but you dont notice them.Its like how somebody's watching you while you dig your nose in the Lecture Theatre,thinking nobody's watching.It's always there,and i seem to be deprived of it by this trauma.This fear.This so called "Psychological Bullshit".

I know that as time wears on,i am going to step out from this trauma.Perhaps soon,maybe a long time from now.Perhaps only when the time comes when i have absolutely nothing to lose.When i realise that risking it will not have my head chopped off.Oh well,it sucks to have these psychological barriers to cross,when they are so thick and tall.

How i wish i can mow away all the tall grasses,hold up the rope and burn it.Never to be fear of snakes again.Never to fear its bite again.Step on this piece of rope and mock.I wish.

Song of the Moment---Give A Little Bit by Goo Goo Dolls