Of the Phantasmagorical Times
Some many things are happening around me now,it just seems surreal.Almost dream-like.The As,my little incident with a friend(Nothing bad,really),my schedule after the As,all have a dream-like quality to them.Making them almost unreal.Its like i am in a dream right now,wondering if i should wake up now or continue on in this endless coma.

Phantasmagoric.A word too long for short-tongued people like Samuel(Haha).Well,i figured it is a perfect word to describe my life right now.I mean,its not exactly a nightmare or whatever.Its just a stage of my life i have to walk.Everybody will and must.Its just,surreal?Anyway,it means:

1a)A fantastic sequence of haphazardly associative imagery, as seen in dreams or fever.
b)A constantly changing scene composed of numerous elements.
2)Fantastic imagery as represented in art.

Let's start with the As.Well,a few months ago in the earlier parts of 2004,i wouldve been laughing at anybody who claims that they are studying for the A levels.Of course,ever since we started on this dreadful journey on the Road of Education,we are in fact aiming for the As.Oh well,but studying that early in the year labels you with the name.And that is,"Enthu".Right now,if you are not studying for the As or at least worrying about it,you are labelled with the name.And that is,"DareDevil".Because,if you are not doing so,you can say bye bye to your future.Yeah,that includes career,life,money,wife,kids,cars,condominiums,you name it.It all seemed like a dream back in J1,or even the first part of J2.A dream,or perhaps a nightmare.A level seems like a gathering cloud far away,with lightning cracking the distant skies open.And you,standing in the middle of a field unharmed."Oh well,its far away.Its not gonna come anytime soon." Well guess what,its here.Here and now.Before you know it,your hair is standing up,you are burnt,electrocuted,half dead and struggling for dear life.Today is the first day of the As.For me,at least.The science people probably had their taste of the "Lightning" last week with the practical exams.Oh well,its new to me anyway.It doesnt taste good definitely.Not that i screwed it up or anything,in fact i feel like i did it the way i always do.I didnt do too well,but not too bad either.Well,time will tell i guess?I have seven papers ahead of me,and i cant wait to get things done.Over and done with them.This period of time,so fantastical.The silence before a battle.The deep breath before the plunge.All so quiet with your heart pounding against your chest so hard,things just seem phantasmagorical somehow.

Ever dreamt that you are running for your life for something?Or perhaps chasing a bus,or running down the railway with the train coming up behind.Yeah,that's perhaps the best analogy as to how rushed my post-As schedule is.If you read my blog,you shouldve noticed the two week calendar i posted for myself.Well,im not sure if i am going to follow it with discipline or whatever.In fact,i might just bomb CMPB and declare freedom to all 18 year olds.Anyhow,it all feels like a dream as well.To be in a rush for something.A rush for my life?Perhaps.It seems like i am,trying to enjoy every bit of it before i face my impending doom.There was a movie i watched a long time ago,which i forgot the name.It talks about a man who discovered that he was infected with a terminal illness.So for the next six months he tries his best to live life to the fullest.Well,i dont have six months.I have two weeks.But i do have a disease that needs a cure.I consider NS my allergy,and its making me sneeze.Before that,im gonna live life to the fullest with my friends.Farewell to them all,and head into the jungle.Its almost dream like as well.I remember back in Secondary School when we were talking about NS.Chian Yee,Jefferson,Clement and I were talking about NS.It all seemed like a distant thing,as far as death(That's if you equate NS to death).Its here,and its now.The sneezing begins,and the allergic reactions begin as well.But for now,i am going to hold my nose with tweezers and my fears concealed with a smile.

Then there's,the "Incident".Everyone likes to be liked."What's the harm for being liked?" you may ask.Its like being splashed by a bucket of water.No,no harm done.You just feel cold.But on the other hand,you feel awake.Everybody knows,that the greatest feeling in the world is to love someone,and be loved in return.Ah,how philosophical.Almost too good to be true.It stinks sometimes to reject,even after you've been rejected yourself.There's a proverb that goes,"Dont do unto others,as others would undo to you".Well,i guess perhaps i know why she did it to me.I dont know,i felt guilt.Immerse amount of guilt,especially after what i found about.What she("She" does not refer to Rs)did for me was just,unbelieveable.Its not because it's out of this world or whatever.Oh wait,perhaps my world.No one ever did that for me before,so i guess i am touched.Really touched.With a tad bit of happiness i guess.But when the time comes for my reaction and answer,i hesitated.I didnt know what to say.Because whatever i say is going to hurt her,however way i put it.Its like cutting someone with a penknife and a butcherknife.Its not going to make much of a difference.Pain is pain.Hurt is hurt.Wound is wound.I didnt know how to put it,so i never told her.She knew,but never really accepted it.She asked me not to feel guilty about it,and that i should be happy.To live a happy life,is what she wants me to be.But when someone cries for you,when someone is sad for your departure,how are you supposed to feel happy with that in mind?Perhaps the least i can do,is to feel guilt.To immerse myself in this guilt of rejection.

Dont worry,its not going to affect my studies whatsoever.I feel guilt,perhaps because of the things you did under my nose.I couldve done so many things,things that could make you happier.Talk to you a little more,call you a little more often.Little things like that i guess?But i didnt.If i had known it earlier,i might have done so.I guess,its all too late.Blame it on my instincts,because i saw it all too soon.I guess,a little too soon for the both of us.For once,i didnt have an answer regarding this.I was dumbfounded,and didnt know what to say.I thought perhaps by reading the draft she sent would answer some question.But it created more.I dont have the answer,and i dont think i will have one anything soon.Despite that,i still enjoy the times talking to you.Still love the way you laugh on the phone.I am still your friend,talking to you.Laughing with you.But deep down,a sense of guilt.I feel like i am cheating you somehow,and you see it.But you dont acknowledge it.You hear,but you dont listen.Its all too confusing right now,for me to give any definitely judgement to this matter.I am keeping my doors opened,perhaps someday you can step in.Perhaps you might walk away from this opened door yourself and never to return.Whatever the outcome,i shall remain here on my balcony every night and ponder over the answer that i shall give you.Maybe a day,a week,a month or a year.An answer i shall give,and you shall know.Be it a wound,or a scar.I dont know what damage i would make.But the least i can do,is to hurt myself as well in the process.

This is all too dream-like.Ive never had this experience before.Its all too new i guess.Well,here comes the end of this entry.The Phantasmagorical Times,intriguing and confusing.Is it not?

Song of the Moment---The Reunion by John Williams