Of the Letter of the Gloomy Afternoon
There,10th December.I'd be going to the army on the 10th of December.It seems like its a marked date of death for me,and the clock of my life starts ticking as i tore open the seal of the letter.

It was drizzling as i got out of the lift.Upon hearing the fact that everybody would be recieving their enlistment date,i ate my dinner and rushed down to the mailbox.My friends are enlisted in April,March,and some in January.Oh well,a friend of mine who failed his test as well is going during March.Of course,i had high hopes that i might just squeeze into the March batch.

Lift door opened,and the air was a little salty and wet.It was dark,a little too dark for a six o'clock sky.The envelope i torn had "10th December 2004(Fri)" typed right on top,nice and bold.I couldnt believe what i was seeing.I looked at it again and again,over and over.I even checked the address and the name.No mistakes,no errors,no flaws.I am supposed to be enlisted on 10th of December.Less than two months away.

As i type this entry,my mom is calling CMPB for confirmations.My dad's asking me some questions about the letter(Since he's English isnt that great)while sitting on the sofa in my room.I dont know what this feeling in my chest means.Sadness,because of the departure from the things i know all so well.My room,my friends,the computer,my guitar,the television shows,and life as a whole.Im supposed to leave them in less than two months and move on to the next phase of my life that i have never encountered before.Fear,because this uncharted territory might just kill me in the process.Ive always had this feeling that i'd die in the army.Its just not the place for me really.People like Nigel,Jared(The VS one)probably will have no problem surviving in their boot camps.Socially,they are friendly and stuff.I dont think i lack that,but im just not as physically fit as them.Not enough to survive anyway.

I feared Kindergarten a lot when i first went in.Hid behind my mother as she led me into the classroom filled with other kids i've never seen before.Of course,its a relationship that works both ways.They too,were scared of me when i first entered the classroom.Oh well,i just have this childhood fear of going to places that i dont know.Not to mention a place where i may potentially lose my life.Primary School was alright,since i started a conversation with a boy named Edwin in school concerning a cartoon,which so happened to be our favourites.Secondary School was bad,because nobody from my Primary School moved on to the same Secondary School as myself.I was lonely,alone and freaked out.This time,i dont supposed i'd find anybody going into the army on the same date as myself.Of course,i'd probably meet some fellow soldier-to-be at the bus interchange,but its just the environment that's going to haunt the lot of us.

I really dont want to leave this place that i am in now.Yes,education sucks.Being a teenager sucks sometimes.But im not ready to do something that may potentially kill me.At least im not ready to do it in less than two months.My parents werent happy about the fact that i will be enlisted on the 10th,because that means a cancellation of my Taiwan trip.My last Taiwan trip.Everything was well planned,at least for me.A holiday trip with friends to Phuket after As,the prom,then the trip to Taiwan.All,ruined.Im not sure of the new "5 day week" policy is going to make me feel any better.Two years,im not even sure if thats a long time or not.Its like going into battle with an empty scabbard.What am i supposed to fight with,if not my sword?

Everytime something goes wrong,deep inside me i always hope that my parents would have something up their sleeves which might prevent it from happening.When i was streamed to EM2 back in Primary 4,my parents talked to the principal and i was eventually pushed to EM1.It might be unfair for some,but at least i did relatively well in EM1.Well enough to ace a lot of subjects anyway.This time,of course i hope they might come up with a brilliant plan or scheme that might delay my enlistment date or whatever.But,chances are they are not going to come up with anything.Even so,i dont think its allowed.Not legally anyway.

Lets picture a man living in South Africa is working two day jobs.A cashier at a cafe in the morning,a construction worker for the rest of the day.He has three children to feed and their education is vital.His wife's money cannot support the family,so basically they are living under poverty.I dont think anybody can be happy under thoe circumstances.But if he has to move to Darfur,Sundan,i dont think he's gonna be happier there.

What im saying is,i am not happy with where i am now.But im certainly not going to be happier with the change.I'd rather remain here,as it is.Sometimes,i wonder why my family never moved to other countries where national service is not compulsory.I know,they have their company to run."America is not suitable for our type of occupation." they always said.But,lets imagine myself there for ten years.A place in a high school studying movies,music and a normal College Life without NS.What a bliss.That's amazing.Singapore has nothing to offer,a striking resemblance to a well.The frog in the well looks up and thinks that the world is as big as the sky above the well.But in truth,the sky is a whole lot bigger than the well.You might think that the water here is enough,but its never going to satisfy you.

10th of December.Thats too early.Too early.Im not ready to leave.Perhaps i should write my will.I have so many things i want to do,that has to be put on pause for two whole years.Books that i want to write.Films that i want to make.Scripts i want to finish.Things that i want to tell my friends.Places i want to go too.Impossible to finish doing them in two months.Not when the As is looming around the corner.As if i dont have enough bullshit to trouble my life,this comes along.

Why does every saddening event in my life has to happen on a gloomy day.This day,and last year's Valentine's Day.Everything.I dont want to leave this place,at least not so soon.I have things undone,so many things.So many...