Of the Journey to the Horizon
Lately,i havent been able to write entries which concerns my feelings a lot.As you can see,entries lately dealt with my daily life and nothing more.It is indeed important to remember what i did on this day,and what i did not do on the next.But i guess,what i felt on that day should be more important.

As you know,i declared freedom a couple of entries ago.Freedom from love.Freedom from the burden of liking somebody.Freedom from her.I felt like a caged bird flapping my wings and trying to get out of that cage.I was content in the cage,feeling safe.After all,i get the food i want when a worm crawls into the cage.I get to drink when it rains.Love to me was like a cage that traps me all round.But i didnt really care about it.Because i thought ive got all that i needed from inside the cage,even though the cage is not necessarily mine,like how the love never beloned to me.One day,i peeked out from between the bars of the cage.To the West,a red sun was rising in the morning from the horizon.It bursted through the clouds and the ray of lights looked like golden arrows.I was fascinated by the horizon,thinking how it is like to be in the horizon,to be at the limit of limits.How the sun always rose from the horizon fed my thirst and desire to escape.So one day i figured that i should escape from the Cage of Love and fly to freedom.During a stormy night,when the sky was dark and threatening,the wind blew strong and the rain poured down hard.I laudged my body against the side of the cage,and with the help of the wind i toppled the cage.It rolled onto its side,and the door popped opened.I was free,and with a few minutes to tidy up my feathers i took off.The cage became smaller and smaller,and almost a dot when i reached the clouds.I kept flying towards the West and never stopped,for i really wanted to see how it feels like to be free from the Cage of Love,to be out of it again.

Days of journey,and i came to the end of the world.It falls away into a void below,and the land disappears at the edge.It seemed as if the whole piece of land has fallen off and left a big crater in the ground.The world ended at the horizon,and i found myself disappointed.The wind blew much colder here,and the rain never stopped here.It seems to be so much worse here that i never shouldve got out of the cage.No worms to crawl within my grasp,no rain that tastes decent enough for drinking.So there i was,perched upon a branch of a tree looking out into the void.I suddenly felt the emptiness before and within me.What i have been working for and aiming for,turns out to be an empty void.Hopeless and cheerless.

During my transitional period from accepting the fact that you were not meant for me,to the time when i officially declared that i've forgotten about you,i desired to much to be a free man once more.No,you never burdened me.I burdened myself,and i wanted out.I got out of that visicous circle into a whole new world ahead,all pumped and excited.However,lately ive found myself a much duller person.I mean,seeing things no longer spuns thoughts nor do i ponder over them.I comment on them,and then dismisses them.Anyway,without my inner struggle in life with you i seem to be such a boring person.Especially now that i am at the trough of life,everything's a blur.Try to imagine me and the bottom of a cosine curve.I am at the bottom of life now,with my results disgustingly bad,social problems and other matters.I dont feel happy now,and i am stuck at the trough without the energy to climb up to the crest.Ive reached my desired land.The land of freedom.A place where you dont exist and you never will.A place where your name is merely another name,and nothing more.A place where you are no different from any other female that walks the Earth.Yeah,Ive reached this Nirvana,this Paradise,this Utopia whatever you like to call it.But i find myself a darker person.A more boring person.A person longing for his past.A person full of regrets.

Looking back at the field where i left my cage,i think maybe i shouldve stayed in.Or perhaps stayed close.I dont know.I just feel that without you my life is really incomplete.Something's missing,and i dont know what.It sucks to know that you have made the wrong decision,that perhaps you shouldve done this or that.You are still staying away from my paradise,and i am still going to stay here at the end of the world.But i am going to drift in the wind and let it take control.Drift away into the unknown where the wind takes me.Without expectations there'll never be disappointments.So,like a seed of a flower i travel by wind and grow wherever i land.I guess i took the first step too fast,and the second step too slow.Never thought of how to take the first step,and thought too much about taking the second.I ended up lagging behind everything,disappointed.I have only myself to blame for everything,and it sucks when you cannot point fingers.It really does.

So this bird weeps as he discovers the horizon he longed for is merely a dream.He looked back and was dismayed.This bird made a wrong choice,but he got to live with his mistakes.So fly away fly.Drift away drift.Softly quietly into another lost horizon.