Of the Pricking Moulds
It does get to you,how that emptiness feels.I guess,when somebody have not been loved for awhile,he gets tired of it.It gets to your heart and your mind.Sigh.I might just die from heart attack,because moulds had been growing on my heart for too long.Feeding on it like parasites.Just had a good chat with a friend of mine.He calls himself "Casper".So we will leave it as that.Kinda got me thinking,when was the last time i felt a sense of belonging,to one's heart.Come to think of it,i dont remember feeling that way.Perhaps,ive never experienced it before.Though you might have tried feeling that way,and when you lose that love of your life,you curse the word "Love".You curse it every wakening hour and even in your dreams,that it was the worst thing that ever befallen upon you.But the stupidity of your greed makes you come back for me.I was just reading a chapter from "The Lion,the Witch and the Wardrobe".Edmund entered the world of Narnia,and befriend the White Witch.She seduced him with some Turkish Delight,and he was immediately attracted to it.Though he knew fully well that the Witch was evil,he blindly led his brothers and sisters to her lair.Weirdest thing is,everytime we step out of the bubble of love,we want to go back in.It seems as if the air outside is much easier to breath at first,then slowly it becomes a poisionous fume and chokes your lungs.Inside this bubble however,though the air is foul,but there's some sweetness to it that draws you in.Its like a drug,really.Addiction,it is a terrible thing.How many times,have i stepped in and out of that bubble of mine.I tried to act as if nothing happened.As if it never meant anything to me.Acted like a "QuirkyAlone",and convinced myself that i can survive without it.But the truth is,late at night i crumble and crash to the ground.You tell yourself,"I dont need love.All i need is friendship" or "Love sucks.".But the truth is,you are merely burying your head in the sand when the lions come.You live in a cave,and calls it your empire.Thats the world,of lies.Ive been doing that,and now moulds are growing and its hard to breath.It might be foolish to step back in again.All i need,is a reason to step back in.A person.A girl.Another girl.A replacement.Of her.But how can i do that.Ive been dwelling too long on the past,and too scared of the future.Been too good a liar to myself,too good an actor.

So here i sit,alone again.Wondering what i might do next,when im in need.The seconds tick by,and its another second alone.Yeah,you call it "Solitude".You call it "Satisfying Loneliness".But what do you really get from all the times,you spent alone thinking to yourself,talking to yourself,crying to yourself.What have you really learnt from all the hours you spent,convincing yourself that "It was not meant to be" ?

The moulds that grew.It pricks.It hooks to your heart,and with every beat of it,the thorns slice through the side of it,till you grasp your chest so hard,it feels empty and hollow after awhile.A friend of mine had a nic once.It goes,"You better start loving one day.Once you stop loving,your heart starts to die".Its moulding,its rotting,its dying.And i dont seem to care.The vision of someone using the same toothpaste as you,someone using the same toilet seat as you,someone using the same coffee table as you,seem to disappear with every lie you tell yourself."You dont need it.".Vision blurred."I can live without it.".Vision blurred once more.Ive been like this for too long and Im getting sick.Im afraid,that one day i might just wake up in the morning,and feels completely convinced by my lies...

What was i talking about?I dont know.Im tired,and i want to sleep.I might sound suicidal,but you know how it is.I always sound suicidal.I dont have the guts to do it.Haha.Yeah,too big a chicken.