Of the Eavesdropping Butterfly
My eyes went back and forth,between the "BackSpace" and "Enter" button.The battle as to whether i should talk to her or not continued through my mind as i sat alone in my room.Hesitated and scared,i finally made up my mind.I pressed "Enter",and anxiously waited for her reply.For a couple of minutes,it was quiet.For a moment there,i panicked.I thought maybe it was her sister,or her brother.Or perhaps she just didnt want to talk to me.All these thoughts went through my mind as i waited and waited.At last,she replied.And her first words were,"Who are you?".Well,she didnt know.I told her,and there,there conversation began.After a few sentences i knew things were going downhill.I know the problem lies with her and not me.She's the kind of person who wont or cant express her feelings.Summarising every feeling or thoughts into a sentence with 10 words.She's the kind of person who will never start or even bother to read a blog.Which means that the chances of her reading this,or any other entries i had about her is:Zero.We talked about the cat as ive thought.It's actually a cat she saw online and she thought it was really cute.So she used it as her picture.I kept squeezing milk out of a rock,trying to come up with decent conversational topics.And i did,but she kept replying with one-liners like,"Haha.Ok.".I have to admit,i am a good conversationer.You message me online,i can talk about anything.As long as you give decent replies we can basically go on for hours and hours.This time,things didnt go well.Things took the worst turn and plunged to the deepest pit there is.The conversation went on so bad,that i actually closed the window.But she replied after awhile.I didnt know where the conversation was going.Wait,maybe i did.Down.Way down.She ended up being the one leaving first,and then the nightmare ended after she went offline.I sat there,with the window still there on my screen.To be honest,i dont know what i said that made things turn out the way it did.Like i said,the problem lies with her and not me.In fact,im able to start a conversation much easier with anyone on my contact list than her.What is this?Another sign that we were not meant to be?Sigh.Perhaps i should just face the god damn picture.She is not for you my man,you couldnt even talk properly with her.Doesnt that mean anything to you?I thought you were the one who insisted on being realistic and not optimistic about things.And look at you now?Clinging on aimless hope and driving on an endless road.Let love take the wheel and not your mind.You are losing it and you know it.Your car is crashing and you allow it.This is not bravery,but stupidity.This is not love,but foolishness.But when was love ever a smart and clever move for anyone?When was it ever,brave?Its all about taking risks and doing stupid things.Well,face it.You will never message her ever again.And i know i wont.I wont gather enough courage to message her again.At least not anytime soon.The worst thing is,i know she wont message me too.What a great thing to be upset about on a Sunday morning.Anyway,she went off.I played Frou Frou's songs on my computer,and just sat there motionless.In fact,ive been doing that until i started to blog again.My sister came home late today.She went to her friend's place for old time's sake.When she came in she saw a butterfly at the front door.She hates butterflies.She finds them disgusting.I,on the other hand,think that butterflies are the only insects worth admiring and appreciating.Though some of them consumes shit but then again,they are at least nice to look at.It flew into my livingroom yesterday while i was watching the television.It flew out,and today it came back in again.What a rare thing to happen.I never knew butterflies knew their way around.I thought they only follow the scent of flowers,and they never will come back to the same place.Yesterday,it stopped on the wall beside the balcony.It fluttered around for awhile,then stopped on the edge of the wall.It fluttered its wings for awhile,then it became slower,and slower,and then stopped.Its now outside my room beside the wind chimes.My sister has her door shut and locked,fearing that the butterfly might just "attack" her.I wonder if this means anything.If the presence of the butterfly means anything at all.Like i said,this doesnt happen everyday,does it?Perhaps you are the only one i can speak my woes to.Outside my room,eavesdropping on my thoughts arnt you?Well,i am not exactly in the mood to have company.So as long as you stay there and dont flutter around me im fine.Alright.I shall go to bed.Seeing her nic on my list,offline,sent a chill up my spine.For some reason,i never wanted that conversation to end,though i knew it wouldnt have gone anywhere further.I wonder why my mind goes blank when i am talking to her.Why cant i just talk like i always do when i am with her?Things just operates at a much different level when it concerns her.Sigh.Mood swing again.You heard that butterfly?Flutter,flutter.Fly away.

PS.Happy Easter Sunday.Good luck finding those Easter Eggs.

Song of the Moment---The Dumbing Down of Love by Frou Frou