Of Sketching You and the Teary Eyes
I was in the mood of doing something i love just now.Went to her Friendster's account for no apparent reasons and checked out her photos which ive seen over a million time.Im still pissed over what happened yesterday,or rather just now.But im trying not to think about it,since what is done is done.Like Hanwei said,"That judges are tweaked."(If thats the spelling.)Well,he said that they were biased towards chinese traditional performances since they are chinese teachers.My mom said that they got to have a multi racial winner,and since there's only one Malay performing and no indians are performing,she gotta win.Sorta like Miss Universe.The organising country has to have its representative winning something.Oh well,how am i feeling?Im not sad.Im pissed.Or i was pissed.Now im just thinking about how unfair things are.So many other people deserved that top prize and im sure that they deserved better.Oh well.To do something you love,to compete in something you have a passion in.The last thing you want to happen is to fail in that.And i failed,because i tapped my feet,i made a joke.(Yes,thats true.)Everything is now back to reality.And now,i have passion to nothing,interest in nothing else now.I love the feeling of anticipating for a competition,especially one which i am interested and good in.But to lose,is like a rock falling into your path,then tell you that the road is out,please take another route round.If you think that road is too far,quit.Sigh.Anyway,i was moody just now,so i figured if i do something i like i might just feel and inch or two better.So i took out my sketchbook and pencil.I tapped the tip of the pencil on the smooth blank surface of the paper,wondering what i should draw.Looking around the room,nothing seemed to interest me much until i laid my eyes on the monitor screen.She updated her friendster picture and it has her younger sister as well as her mother's picture up there.Her sis looks extremely cute with that wide grin on her face and her long her which resembled her sister's.Her mother looked typical,and she looked tired somehow.Trying to force a smile at the camera.She mustve been through a lot,and that can be seen from her eyes.Though old,tired,but still bright.Rs was carrying her sister in her arms,and oh my god.That picture was so touching i couldnt stop looking at her.She felt so homely,just like the way i imagined her to be.Perhaps my first impression havent been wrong after all.So i pushed out the lead from the pencil and started sketching her face,her hair.I drew her mother and her sister without breaking a sweat.For some reason,drawing people that i dont know seems much easier.Or should i say,people that you dont have feelings towards?Anyway,so i drew everyong and left Rs's face.I drew,and erased.Drew,and erased.Drew once more,and erased again.One more time maybe,i erased again.I kept erasing that the tip of the eraser was now black,and my pencil lead had to be changed twice.The paper was rubbed and worn out,that its on the verge of breaking.I coulndt draw her face,no matter how hard i tried.It was so hard.When it comes to sketching,whenever i put my heart to something,it will never work.I tried imaging her face and drawing it down with my memory,until i realised that i dont remember her face anymore.I dont remember how her hair used to rest comfortably on her shoulder,how magical her voice was to my ears.How deep and mysterious her eyes was,and how bright that smile was.I couldnt recall nor remember.I stared into memory of blankness,and opened another window of her picture and zoomed in.I still couldnt figure out how to draw.Everything else's done except for her face,and its left empty.It felt empty,like an unfinished work.Why is your face so difficult to draw?They say the hardest thing to draw is what you havent seen before.I havent seen a real angel i suppose.I looked at your picture through my monitor,and started having teary eyes.I wonder how long since i last saw you.3 more months and it will make a year.A year.What an awful word to start off with.The painful feeling of time came back,and for a moment,i realised that i was grabbing my chest while my forehead rested on the computer table.I was staring at the ground into nothingness.Looking at her mother,i wonder if she knows that she gave birth to someone that changed another person's life.I wonder if her sister realises how lucky she is to have such a wonderful sister,who laughs and jokes with you and takes care of you even when you pull her hair and hit her.I wonder if anybody on the streets that walks pass you realise that they just met the greatest woman alive.I wonder if they realised that.When you serve food to them at Sakae Sushi,do they realise that they are served by the most beautiful and astounding girl?And that she's so kind and unique that she defines the face of heaven?Im glad that i saw that.But now,im forgetting it.I forgot how the face of heaven looks like,sounded like,felt like.Only through a bloody monitor is where i will regain my memory and perhaps catch a glimpse of a moment back in time when all i need to do is to walk to your classroom to see you.I have 7 pictures of you,and thats all i got.I dont have much of you with me.In fact,some of the most precious things i have from you are fading with time.Memories of you.They are fading,disappearing,diminishing.Soon,gone.And these damn pictures are the only things that can remind me about you.They helped me through this grueling year,told me not to miss you so much,told me how close you are to me yet so far away.Taught me to be strong,and that you are always watching over me like my guardian angel.I sworn to be your guardian angel remember?But have i done that for you?I regret so much that i didnt.I hate myself for the plain fact that i couldnt be there when you needed someone.I made empty promises and the one person i dont want to lie to is the one person i forgot to keep my promise.All i want is to have someone to hold me and tell me that everything's gonna be all right.Now that i need you most,you are nothing more than a picture smiling back at me and a blank face on my sketching book.I teared tonight.And i couldnt help it.Getting a little emotional today.I was so tempted to tell you about me getting into the finals.I so wanted to tell you everything about me.I want to run to your house now and knock on your door.I want to tell you everything.I want to share my happiness and your woes.But have i really done that.I am only sharing that with the cold smooth monitor screen.I cant feel you through the screen,perhaps a little warmth left.Perhaps ive been using too long.So i wiped off my tears,and closed my sketch book.Placed some rock music into the cd player and started playing it.Screw it if my neighbour thinks its disturbing.I dont give a flying crap.When will i be able to draw your face?When will i ever sketch you like the way you are?When will i remember again?Perhaps another year,two more years.Perhaps 10,or forever.But i will wait.No matter how long that would be,i will wait till the day you smile at me again,wave at me again,talk to me again.If that day never comes,i will continue to feel your presence through the computer screen,that blank smile,that cold face.Alone in my room,with the lamp on.Lights closed and the house quiet.Your picture on my monitor,and the guy in front of it,thinking of you.Thats what i will do when i feel lonely again.When i need you around.When i need to open my box of memories,i will do that.........

Song of the Moment---Dont Know Why by Norah Jones