Of Heaven
It is a boring place in camp.It's like a gathering place for moulds,a night club for them.For some reason all the bacterias seem to gather in army camps and attack the soldiers.It's the end of the course im taking in camp,and things are slowing down to a comfortable speed finally.Indeed,i am laughing out more and even the boys are noticing it.Oh well,i guess ive been able to reflect on myself once again,after such a long break.Afternoons are blazing hot these days,and the fans in the bunks seem to be the closest thing you can get to an air conditioned room.My bunk calls ourselves the "Sleepers".We sleep all day long,and we call this "Recreational" activity "Operation SWP".SWP in this case,stands for "Sleep Whenever Possible".You cant beat how much those guys love to sleep,and that includes myself.

Sometimes when the afternoon seems to drag a little too long,i would take out my notebook and jot down some random notes or poems just to keep the gears rolling again.One fine after i caught Wei Lun(The heavily tattooed man beside my bed.He really is nicer than he seems.Really)reading a book.Now that was a shocker,considering how tough he looked.On closer examination,my jaw nearly hit the floor when he was actually reading "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom.Heard about the book myself,but never got my hands on it.I admit,i am more of a fiction lover.The Bill Bryson i got myself didnt do it for me really.Yeah,he is a funny guy,but to be honest im not too excited when it comes to reading about a man's journey around England and making funny comments or gestures to almost everything.Although i must add,that he is a great writer and somebody whom i look up to.

Anyway,i borrowed the book from him and started reading about it.Never was into philosophical books,but since ive heard so many reviews about it i might as well give it a try.So on Wednesday afternoon i laid my hands on page one,and never stopped reading afterwards.

The book is about a man named Eddie,and he dies at the beginning of the book.He is in his eighties,and lost his family due to various reasons.He works at an amusement park called "Ruby Pier".Living a life without a goal and dream,Eddie wasnt far from a walking corpse.An accident that happened one day to a rollercoaster ride killed Eddie on the spot.He goes to heaven,and sequentially encounters five pivotal figures from his life.Each person has been waiting for him in heaven,and,as Albom reveals, each life (and death) was woven into Eddie's own in ways he never suspected. Each soul has a story to tell, a secret to reveal, and a lesson to share. Through them Eddie understands the meaning of his own life even as his arrival brings closure to theirs.

I bet everybody has their idea of heaven.An idle place without worries or pain.No sufferings or sorrow.Just a place with pure innocence and joy.Picture a kingdom made up of cottom candy like clouds and high towers with dancing angels.Endless cigars and Coca Cola.Oh,and girls.Lots of them.Well,that's heaven to some people.Personally i havent really got a clear picture of how heaven is like.Never a very spiritual or religious person,which led to the lack of a mental picture of heaven in my mind.Perhaps if i try hard enough right now,it would probably be a place away from my own personal problems.(ie.NS).It's just the little things in life that makes up heaven you know.How the pure joy of you and your friends are together.Your first love,how you earned your place in a college,so on and so forth.They are pieced together to make up this giant jigsaw puzzle of heaven.

A concept of heaven was brought up as i watched "The Green Mile" the other night.As a death roll prisoner is about to walk the mile(Or,about to be executed),he told Tom Hank's character,Paul Edgecombs,that when a person dies and goes to heaven,you dont see angels or god.It takes you back to the moment in life,when you were the happiest.And for his character,was when he met his wife and they made love under and tree.Well,pretty twisted.But that's his heaven i guess.That's a beautiful concept isnt it?To live life once more,submerged in the happiest moment.

To think about my happiest moment in life,i dont have one.Not that i can think of anyway.No,my life was not a disaster movie,nor was it Casablanca.I had fun moments,memorable ones,happy ones,enjoyable ones.But i dont think any one of them is worthy enough to take the title of "Best moment in Life".I just dont think that day has come for me yet.Oh well,we will see.

I like the concept of meeting people you knew or barely knew in heaven after death.To look back on life the way it was and ponder over the "I Did" and "I Did Not"."Should have" and "Should have not".At the end of the journey through heaven,you do not regret on those things that you did or never did in life,but be glad that things happened the way they did and that it is time for you to move on with life.That i guess,is the ultimate lesson throughout the journey through the Kingdom of Heaven.

The book tells of sacrifices,love,hatred and how everything you do in life affects somebody else,even if it means nothing at first.Words you say,actions taken,and the ones kept inside for a tad bit too long.In Mitch Albom's heaven as he writes,it is a place where

"...there is no judgment, but rather an opportunity to examine our lives-who we touched, the choices we made, and the consequences of those choices."

I wonder who i am going to meet in heaven,if i were to die tomorrow.I wonder how my actions affected their lives,and how unexpected those consequences are going to be.I sure hope i dont meet someone like Jared Kong or Daniel Loke.Especially the latter,who might just start preaching about heaven and hell once more.(Oh,and not to forget Adams and Eve).The people that i misunderstood,or never had the chance to understand.The people that brushed passed my shoulder on the street and life,who meant something and nothing at all.How i affect their lives and how they affected mine.The story goes on,and we pay it forward to the next person.How that person's doings affect your life.You wait in your heaven,for that person to enter.How interesting is that?Love the book.Love it.

"All ending are beginnings. We just don't know it at the time..."

Song of the Moment---Free Fallin' by Tom Petty

Of the Broken Violinist

“Oh,how capricious life can be;And ironic at the same time cant you see?

Just a thought that has been sneaking around my mind for the past week.Like neon lights lining unevenly along busy city streets,blinking on and off constantly. Seemingly reminding us of its existence.Its been a while since anything had any impact on me.Not mentally anyway.But this small reminder seemed to have woken things up somehow.Just picture yourself as a part-time employee at a neighbourhood 7-11. Night shifts suck, and the only motivation for you is perhaps the extra pay you get relative to your other fellow employees,and the occasional Slip-the-bar-into-the-pocket-before-the-camera trick.Customer count is at its trough,and the “Customers Served” graph hits rock bottom every five minutes and stays that way for four hours or so.Then you start to notice things that you don’t usually notice.Like the spiderweb behind the oval mirror at the corner,or the hidden shotgun under the counter.After a while,you start to notice this regular customer that visits quietly at night.He comes strictly every night at 11pm,with black coat all over and a hat pulled down low so that only the tip of his nose and lips can be seen,and those eyes hidden beneath the shadows of the rim.He smiles,and requests for a packet of Marlboro every single night.After some time,this becomes routine.You start to expect him to visit you every night,and that routine ends as soon as he exits the automated door.Despite the everyday job of arranging the canned food,counting the change,directing customers to various aisles and the occasional armed robbery(Or seemingly armed),this man comes in and out of your life every once in a while and asks for a pack.That is the closest analogy I have concerning this thought of mine.Despite the usual hectic life in NS,this thought sneaks in and out like an alarm clock with its snooze button pressed.Basically,it comes in intervals.

SIT Test just ended.It is the short form for “Situational Test”,whereby your team is given a scenario and a task to complete within a limited amount of time.The objective of the test really is not to complete the mission,but to test your leadership skills.Anyway,the three day out field ended on Saturday and I am worn out once more.We had to rescue hostages and build structures to cross invisible rivers and bring ammo boxes across raging streams and cross imaginary quicksand pits.Yes Samuel,sounds like a video game doesn’t it?However,I can assure you that the actual test itself is a lot less interesting than the games you play at home especially when it involves you running around under baking hot sun and Mimosa scratches all over your palm.No Samuel,this is the real deal.It was tough,but nonetheless it was not enough to prevent that thought from coming through at night.After a day’s exercise,I would sit in front of my tent(Or Barsha in technical terms)and stare up into the sky.The constellations lined up across the sky,with the Orion belt peeping through the canopy,beaming proudly in the softly lid skyline.That was when the thought quietly strayed into my mind,followed by a soft chuckle from me and a sigh…

As usual,my mom and I always have conversations with each other as she drives me to the bus terminal before every book in.Last week was of no difference,and I was telling her about a unit in SAF called MDC.I am not too sure what it stands for,but basically people go in there to play music and get involved in drama productions and such.Not too closely linked to combat and stuff,but im sure soldiers need entertainment as well?As I expressed my interest of joining the unit my mother revealed to me that her old violin teacher used to be in MDC as well.That was when old memories started popping up of him.You know how a name can stir up quite a bit of emotions and memories at times.Its not that I have known him for very long or anything,but he was the source or the beginning of my interest for music.

Initially,it was my mother who was interested in classical music.And violin was of particular interest to her.So she found this violin teacher and had lessons at his place.This violin teacher is not just the guy next door who knows how to play a piece or two.He was from the Singapore Symphony Orchestra,and that’s saying a lot.A very talented guy who played wonderful violin.I tagged along with my mother everytime,since she wasn’t too comfortable with the idea of me being alone at home by myself.Point to note,I was in Primary school.Anyway,I would sit on his couch and play GameBoy while I wait for my mother to end her lessons.Of course,his pug was real cute as well.The notes flowed out of the room like waves and that was really my first taste of classical music.You remember how your parents used to force you to learn some skills in life that might not be of any interest to you?From ballet to painting classes,and from piano lessons to Taekwondo trainings downstairs at the basketball court with other fellow little fighters.Basically,we have all been through that stage in life,and myself included.Mom bought me a cheap violin and I was under the same teacher for a while.You can say that I was a genius when it came to being a music retard back then.But I was in primary school,so Ive got nothing to complain about.This teacher was real patient with me,and he made violin lessons more than just simple music lessons for me.Gradually I grew interest in music and continued playing violin for a while.Then the problem arrives.There’s a thing called the shoulder guard that is secured under the violin so that when you put it between your cheek bone and collar bone it wont hurt very much.My violin on the other hand was way too small for any shoulder guard in the market to fit.So after a few months of violin I had bruises on my left cheek and collar bone.Eventually,the pain took over the passion and I bailed out.I wanted to carry on,but I guess I didn’t understand the sacrifices I had to take in order to master or at least learn a skill such as this.Oh well,so since then ive forgotten about violin as well as the violinist who briefly gave me a head start to my musical love.

As time wore on he slowly diminished.You know how humans usually remember the “Firsts”?Im not too sure why this “First” did not stick with me as closely as it should be.This part of memory just faded for a long period of time,even after I picked up my next and most beloved instrument:Guitar. I totally forgot my roots,and where it plotted its way from.Like my beloved JC Principal(Cant believe I just typed that)Mrs Ho Woon Ho always emphazied,we must always remember the source of the water when we drink it.Well,very true.But not in this case for me apparently.

If you have watched(Or read the book by Jeremy Deaver)”The Bone Collector” starring Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington,Denzel’s character was Lincoln Rhymes,and he was known to be one of the best forensic scientist in the business.Unfortunately,his career ended when he met up with an accident during one of his investigations,causing him to be paralyzed from neck down.Jokingly,life left him his left index finger still operational alongside everything above his neck.The situation that my old violin teacher is in now is somewhat similar to Lincoln’s fate.Both men talented and born with a gift,then later taken away by life itself.As if both of them made a mistake in their lives,and were asked to compensate by taking the gift away.He wanted to show off his other skills to his girlfriend once at a pool.Of course,no matter how talented you are with the violin everybody will get sick after you play it for a while.So he wanted to show her how well he can dive as well.So he made a leap off the ramp and dived downwards into the pool.But the spin turned bad,and his head hit the platform on his way down,causing him to be paralyzed from the neck down.Rings a bell,doesn’t it.But no,he was not left with a left index finger,or a pinky,let alone a thumb.Just simply paralyzed.

So in a split second,the violin in his room became a waste.He couldn’t play his violin anymore and spends his days looking up at the ceiling wondering what he’s going to do next when the options are very little anyway.His friends visited him,and organized fund raising concerts with the Singapore Symphony Orchestra.But logically speaking,the funds are not going to last too long for this man.At least not long enough to mend the broken violinist.My mom said,that when his friends visited him,they saw him with tears in his eyes every single time.Can you imagine the pain in him?The anguish and agony all at once?Once so proud,and now suffering under a fate that was not meant to be?It all seems like a practical joke to me.The life of us seems like the playground of an unseen force.And every unfortunate event that happens are the fruit of an evil plot of life itself.It’s things like that that makes you go, “Wow,things like that are actually happening around me.” You never really expect such things to happen around you really.I mean,it is not unnatural to read about such tragic incidents in papers or TV,but they just fade away as the media move on to more juicy gossips or scandals.But when such things happen around you,you suddenly feel vulnerable to the unpredictability of life.You start to feel scared that the next plot has your name on the top of the priority list.The impact it has,and the crater it creates are just deeper and bigger when its closer.

So you see,this thought lingered in my head throughout the week.I threw a grenade this week.A real one.That was interesting enough to keep my mind off things for a while.Not to mention the C4 that blew the blinds as well as the nerves out of the recruits nearby.But once the dust settled and the noise reduced,it hops back up again into my mind.

Just a thought I guess,something that happened to me this week.Or rather to someone close to me that has affected me one way or another.I don’t want to go on and on about my everyday routine life in NS.It’s just too boring.I guess it is only fitting to type something a little different this time round.Oh well,it is tragic indeed.But what can we do really?Like I said,our lives are the playground of life itself.It plots its way through the events and puts a rock at our feet so that we can trip and fall.If you are not careful,you don’t get up anymore.It’s just not fair for such a gifted person to be deprived of his talents.The most tragical thing here is the fact that this broken violinist cannot even pretend to play the violin anymore.It’s just the sound ringing in his head,and the dust gathered violin in the corner.Just him,and the broken him alone.

Cest La Vie…

Song of the Moment--- Crazy by Aerosmith

Of the Devil Inside
They say that within each and everyone of us lives a mini-me.A smaller version of yourself.I have no idea where that crazy idea originated,but i guess everybody thought that the idea of the Earth being a sphere was anything but fact.It's just a bedside story i guess,an idea used to inspire little kids at night.As fanciful as it is,humans can often manipulate innocent tales into their own evil designs.

Let's say a Mini-You lives inside of your head.Then it is also right to assume that a bunch of Mini-Friends live inside of it as well.You know,all the people that you know in your life must have a place inside of that brain of yours?So in a way,a little world now exists in that head.A world to call your own.I guess that's also how dreams come about.Maybe,in a fantastical way i guess.It is then not a surprise that a devil lives inside of you as well.Of course,a devil never shows his true form.He hides,and he waits.He shows when need be,and he lurks in the dark.Waiting for the right time to strike.And as for me,i am not the type of person who would normally unlease the "Beast" inside.The darker side of myself.The part of me whom i hate the most.Perhaps you can say,i hate so see myself that way.But i guess under abnormal situations and circumstances,the chains to the doors of the dungeon where the "Devil" lies can easily be broken by a blunt blade.Field camp can be a tool,powerful enough to provoke this devil inside.

I just got back from field camp,and if were to describe myself with two words,they would be "Torn" and "Tattered".Indeed,i feel like a rag doll.I feel like i am a doll pulled off the shelf by a toddler who just had her first milk teeth stuck in her gum.Naturally,you would start chewing things with that new teeth of yours.Anything.From couches,to cushions.From your dad's feet to that doll on the shelf.Yeah,i feel like i have my limbs torn apart and head spunned upside down.But then again,i got through this ordeal.I survived,and i guess i should be thankful to be here in one piece to tell the tale.

Like a grandfather beside the fire place,telling old grandfather stories to his grandchildren,here i am again to tell tales of my journey to the forgotten parts of Singapore.Well,no warm fire and warm milk here ladies and gentlemen.Just you and the computer screen for now.So bear with the discomfort.

For some reason,field camp stresses you out.The sergeants kept emphasizing on the fact that Field Camp is going to be a memorable experience.Oh well,i thought i heard that in the video when we saw the introductory video to NS on the first day of enlistenment.The "bullshit-ness" of that video was later confirmed by platoon sergeant David.So you see,nothing here is memorable.Well,that is if you relate the word "Memorable" to "Good memories".Because nightmares can be memorable too.They stay with you and haunts you.Field camp to me brought out the ugly side of me.Really.I just hated myself in that week.Stress does a lot of things to you.I found myself pushing my friends(Not literally)whenever i am in a hurry to accomplish something.I get angry easily,and i felt so much more depressed.Ningshan noticed that change and asked me about it one night before dinner.I wasnt awared that people actually noticed this change,but personally i felt it.And it's not just me.Everybody seemed to have unleashed that beast and was shouting at each other.You see a completely different side of somebody.Perhaps the true self,but you'd never know.

I never thought that i would live through field camp and live to tell about it.After all i went in with a bad headache,a swirling head and a nose that lost control.And in my mind i knew that field camp was not going to make me feel much better physically.I headed to the first camp site anyway,with the area covered with LaLangs if that's how you spell it.The accursed thing about that camp site was the fact that it was covered with Mimosa too.You know,those cute grass that closes its leaves everytime you touch them.Those plants at the side of the roads that never fails to bring up a glimmer of fascination in children's eyes.Anyway,along the stem of a Mimosa are torns that sticks out like the horns of the Devil.And in a way,maybe Mimosa is the creation of the Devil himself.As told,we were asked to prone down whenever we are contacted by the enemy.So with one hand we are supposed to support our body while the rest of it kicks out behind.So whenever i do that on the field i'd go,"Contac...F**k!!!" That is when i proned into a sea of Mimosa.So you see,it shouldnt be a surprise if you were to meet me on the streets with scratches all over my palm.I will smile and whisper softly,"Mimosa."

The second site was better.In fact,it was great.It was the oil palm plantation.The trees were lined up in neat rows,and basically you can see all the way to the edge of the plantation if you were to stand between two trees.The sunlight was never strong enough to peep through those dense leaves above,and at night the area would be shrouded with a thin layer of mist.The smell of the night floating softly in the air,and the crickets in the corner of the woods singing way into the night.Lying in the tent with your eyes closed and the world asleep,it can become a sort of enjoyment amidst the mess.Usually i would take a Ziploc bag and stuff dirty clothes in it so that it becomes a pillow.But i found the SBO to be more of a comfort than anything else.The nights can be blistering cold,and it chills you to the bone.Without a blanket and thoughts to keep you warm,it can get pretty unbearable at times.But i guess everybody just had to suck it right in and tuck yourself in with the rifle between your thighs.You suddenly feel like you are in the middle of nowhere.Just,a corner of the world left forgotten.Forsakened by the world or something.And we were the men on the side.The long forgotten race of some lost empire.

The third camp site was at this Rubber Tree plantation.That site was particularly dreadful not because of the site itself but the march before.Im not too sure if the march itself was long enough to break our limbs and hope,but the slopes were indeed the killers of this murder.Or should i say,massacre?The site was covered with tall grass.Probably the height of your legs all the way up your thighs.The ground was uneven,and hidden amidst the grasses were grasshoppers the size of your thumb and spiders of different colors and sizes.Those sent some discomfort amongst the more timid recruits,but i couldnt care more for those nightcrawlers.After setting up the tent and sat down on the spider infected area and had my combat rations.Combat rations are cooked food packed up in tightly sealed bags.They are supposed to be able to last up to months,which also meant that it tasted like shit.I heard that those rations were improved over the years,and that if we were enlisted a year earlier the food wouldve been so bad that when you tear open the seal the smell itself is enough to make your hurl three days worth of food out of your guts.The truth is,the food is less than decent,and not to mention they are luke warm.You know how disgusting luke warm food can get.But i must say that the pasta i ate were not bad.Save for the Satay Pasta which was a curse from hell.Like Phoebe said in an episode of friends,"This is the kind of food they serve in hell!" Indeed,it did not taste good.I wonder if it consisted the daily nutrition need of the recruits.Especially when your everyday breakfast are biscuits,and most of the recruits eat Maggie Mees as dinners everyday.Let's say Malaysia plots an attack on us suddenly and we are supposed to fight back.Alright,let's face it.The Malaysians can come with bamboo spears and still thrash us flat.Health was obviously not the factor here.Whatever happened to the welfare.

By the end of Field Camp i was shagged mentally,though not so must physically.Save for the extreme discomfort with the wet uniforms and the mud covered boots from the trench digging the day before.Allow me to add that the recruits were forced to dig our own graves,literally.The rubber planatation looked like a decent place to dig trenches initially.With the soft soil below of feets it was clearly a good spot to dig.The sergeants asked us to dig holes(I forgot the technical name)in the ground so we could sleep in it over the night.Oh well,that was fine and the boys got to work with their blades.We started digging downwards,and we came across remnants of the past.As you might have already heard,Pulau Tekong used to be a Malay Village.So it shouldnt be a surprise if you come across a old hut or "Kampong".Anyway,so we started digging and some of us found marbles,shoes,and i myself found pieces of broken pots and china.Even the nightcrawlers that i accidentally shaved into half did not bother me that much until a recruit a couple of metres away came upon something that made everybody uneasy and queasy.He found a tombstone,and it was buried in the soil with the top sticking up.And apparently that was not the only tombstone he found.All around us,recruits started finding more and more of these old tombstones with their surfaces already corroded away.But the general shape could still be seen clearly,with the top tapered and the size of them similar to the tombstones ive seen at the back of my school back in the Secondary School Days.Point to note,Maris Stella is surrounded by cemeteries.Christian on one said,Malay on one side and a crematorium on the other.So you see,the night life around my old school was pretty happening.And still is,i suppose.Anyway,so as you lay in the holes you dug yourself at night looking up into the night sky,you start to feel a little creepy all of a sudden.After all,somebody might have been in that exact spot.The ground was wet,and i had my jacket on.Chewing on the nightsnacks provided,and i stared up into the star dotted sky above and the trees that threatened to hide the moon.It was a beautiful sight.A scene that look like the chapters of a Tim Burton book.Pretty gothic and beautiful all at the same time.In my mind i said this to myself,"So this is how you guys feel like six feet under huh?" Of course,i wasnt six feet under.But i guess that was the closes i could get.With the wild boars lurking around the woods,it was pretty hard to sleep initially.But the sound of crickets soon took over my thoughts,and i found myself dreaming of home and beautiful streetlights dancing across my eyes...

Back to camp,i was totally spent.The last mission of the day was BIC.Im not too sure what that meant,but basically it involved a lot of crawling under barbwires and over hard rocks and sand.Over head,real bullets zipped by.But of course,you wont get shot even if you stand up,but the sergeants kept asking us to keep our heads down.Point to note,the machine gun that was shooting those damn bullets was mounted five metres above the ground.Unless you bought some out-of-this-world high heels or you lived beside a nuclear power plant,im sure you are not tall enough to reach those bullets.Sergeants seem to be very stupid liars,and liars who use threats to scare the recruits.And i thought they said something about "No Discipline by fear".Oh yes,liars.I said it myself.Oh my memory!It is failing me as i speak.

As for the overview of the field camp,i found the ugly side of me.The devil inside.I hated myself at times,and you really find yourself getting tensed pissed off at the most minor things.Things that wouldve been just a "Laugh it Off" matter.For some reason that never occured to me.I hated myself,and on the boat back to the mainland i swore never to be like this again.Field Camp was bad in many ways.To be honest,i dont think it taught me much about myself.I dont feel like ive gained much from it.Not intelligence,or even experience.In fact,i would hardly consider this trip an experience.It's just that thing that provokes you deep inside,and it hooks out that dirty side and throws it at the people around you.I hated it.Seriously.But after a good night sleep and some home food by my mother i guess i am perfectly fine now.Hopefully i can go back to camp and start anew.Chinese New Year is around the corner and i cant wait for the long break ahead.It's going to be an amazing holiday,and i am not going to let the troubles of NS hinder me from any enjoyments anymore.Here is me,signing out.Ta.

Song of the Moment---Breakaway by John Mayer

Song of the Day:
Something's Missing by John Mayer



I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check-
Money -check-
A well slept -check-
Opposite sex -check-
Guitar -check-
Microphone -check-
Messages waiting for me, when i come home -check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

Of The Elysian Fields

"...The Elysian Fields,or Elysium,would be closest to what most people consider "heaven" to be like.The Elysian Fields were described as a wonderful place, where everything was delightful.There were soft green meadows,lovely groves,a delicious life-giving air, sunlight that glowed a soft purple,and everyone was happy and peaceful.The sound of music played on pipes and lyres filled the air.Banquets occurred whenever the inhabitants desired..."

The Elysian Fields is the creation of the Greek Mythology.A place where the great and good lived after their deaths.Also known as the Isle of the Blessed,it is ruled by Rhadamanthys,according to Homer's Odyssey.A place one would consider "Heaven".A place sorted after by all,and hard to let go when the time comes.As mentioned in the myth,these fortunate ones could choose to go back to Earth if they wished,but few elected to give up the pleasure they had found here.It is "Temptation Island" if you are keen on reality TV shows.Sort of like the line from The Eagles' "Hotel California" which goes:

"You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave..."

As for myself,i have my own definitions as to what my own Elysian Fields should look like.I dont need the soft green meadows,lovely groves,delicious life-giving air or whatever.Well,that's nice indeed.But with industrialisation and urbanisation taking place around you,you can bet that you wont find a place that even comes close to that description.Maybe one day on an distant island in the middle of nowhere.Of course,provided that it was not swept away by the Tsunami.I wouldnt mind having those lovely groves and banquets around really.But i guess,physically that is impossible in our age.Most people seek not the physical pleasure nowadays,but rather the spiritual and mental satisfaction they gain.Perhaps a place in their heads that resembles the Elysian Fields.The ideal place that comes close in their dreamlands.And as for me,the enjoyable yet brief meetings with my friend during my book outs can be considered my ideal land of peace.The Elysian Fields i have in mind.

I have a system that i follow everytime.I try to anyway.I book out every week,which means that i have to give time to my family and friends.You got to have a balance between this two huge components of your life.So personally,i focus on them alternatively.Like,this week i would hang out with my friends out in town,then the next would be spent with my family so on and so forth.You get the picture.As time goes by slowly in camp,you start to realise that anything in the outside world suddenly becomes so extraordinarily unfamiliar and new.Like a friend of mine said,when you are in boot camp for a few weeks in a row,any female organisms are good looking on the streets.So to all red blooded men out there,do keep your eyes off those cute female doggies hanging around the blocks.Anyway,everything starts to mean something to me all of a sudden.It's like,i can derive enjoyment out of the most boring activities you can think of on Earth.Like,sitting at home and watch crappy movies back from the 70s.No offence to the movies in that era,but they just dont appeal.Oh well,suddenly everything seems so exciting and new.Even my sister looks a bunch better now that ive seen her from another perspective.Amazing how a departure can do to you(I highly recommend this to troubled couples).

Over the past few book outs,i had a couple of chances to meet up with old friends,and make some new ones along the way.I still remember vividly the mini gathering the guitar club people had at the Breakz Restaurant(I think that is the spelling).Only five person went,but i enjoyed it anyway.Maybe it's because it was the last day of 2004,or perhaps it was because of the fact that i love the guitar club members so much,that meeting was particularly enjoyable as compared to our other meetings.It was memorable,and i found myself lost in time.Spending the night at the restaurant with the ladies,my buddy Ahmad and JingLiang was real fun indeed.Then we strolled through the streets and admired the city lights still clinging upon the trees after Christmas.A year back,i wouldnt even have noticed the lights.They never triggered any form of fascination inside of me.But this time,it was a little different.I didnt know what it was,but i found myself smiling as i looked into the lights.In my friends' company,i felt like i am on Cloud #9,a place where i want to be.Then we took bus 133 together back home,and coincidentally as the bus stopped by a traffic light the clock struck midnight.We had a countdown,a mini-celebration,and just as we were about to end the day fireworks sprung up from the side of the streets and into the air,as if it was celebrating the birth of the new day of the new year.Fireworks never looked so beautiful until then.It was brief and short,and the bus sped off before it finished,but i sure had a lot of fun on the 133 double decker.

Last Saturday was a gathering with some friends at Serene's.Her birthday was coming,and her family organised a barbeque at her house.She invited my SRJC class,Secondary School class(PLMGSS) and her JC class(TPJC) as well.However,everybody from my class(1s24)was working back then.How coincidental isnt it.I know how Serene felt really.I mean,if i were her i wouldve jumped into the 2 metre deep pool and hope that my lungs would fill up with water.Just bloody drown myself as soon as possible.I mean,it's just plain awkward for such situations to occur.Thankfully,i was present and so was Siang Hong.Do not fret Serene.With this two around you can stop worrying about the venue being cold and boring throughout the night.And as promised,we had a blast there with the ladies.It's not like we didnt want to mingle with other fellow male counterparts,but because there were no male there at all.Well,maybe Serene's Dad and her classmate who was busying himself with the pit.Personally i never really liked to mix around with girls that are too...Well,girl-like.Too much girl talk can really kill you.Those "Oh i miss you!" bullshit followed by a long hug can really make you feel queasy.For me,anyway.So i talked to her TPJC friends,who were really nice people.And may i add that they are good looking as well(Just to make Adrian jealous and pissed)?

Im not too sure of the other two girls' names,but one was called Esther,and Serene's cousin is called WanLing.Both extremely nice people to talk to and certainly very easy to click with.Even Esther herself was wondering how come she was able to click so easily with Siang Hong and myself.Well,being a Marist for four years really thought us a lifeskill not easy forgotten and ever so practical.The Sociability within us.We joked and laughed all through the night,and we talked about anything other the Saturday Night sky.Maybe it was that tad bit of desperation within,but i was attracted to them in a way.Oh well,i should really start to read "1001 Ways to Curb Yourself".Perhaps it was the feeling i got when i talked to them.So comfortable and so easy,and everything about it was just right.Like how NingShan made a comment on Varun a few weeks ago in the bunk.Touche,i tell you.It was right on the mark.Perfect.

I guess as my life continues in the army,my standards of a Elysian Field changes.Before this,what existed in the Elysian Fields within my mind tends to be dream-like.A little out of reach,and completely unattainable.But right now,it seems as if the standards are not too far off at all.Just a simple gathering with the people i know can become a part of the Elysian Fields.My own Elysian Fields.A friend of mine once had a MSN nickname that went "Simplicity is the greatest Sophistication".I guess in this case,a simple meet up with friends can bring me a step closer to heaven.The Elysian Fields beyond the shores of River Oceanus.A place which i can call my own.

Like everybody else,parting from this beautiful land is a difficult task.But i have to,or else i would be considered AWOL(Away WithOut Leave)and charged in a military court.Followed by DB(Detention Barracks)later.It sucks to leave,but what can i say?Rules are rules.I know they are meant to be broken,but not this rule.No,no way.It's a brief parting,but i guess we'll soon meet each other soon enough.

I dont meet fantastical scenary,or singing elves and fairies.Fields of flowers or a cool summer breeze.All i need is my friends,and that they join me in my Elysium.That is my Elysian Fields,and as simple as it sounds i love it that way.Brief moments spent with these amazing people is exactly what i need.The realm of the blessed,and with them around,the blessed is me.

Everytime i meet my friends,i picture the scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when Clementine and Joel lies on the frozen lake and stares up into the sky.Then Joel whispers to Clementine...

"I could die right now,Clem.I'm just...happy.I've never felt that before.I'm just exactly where I want to be..."

That single line,and my feelings of the Elysium.

Touche.

Song of the Moment---Tracing by John Mayer

Of the Brink

"I dreamed i saw a great wave,climbing over green lands and above the hills.I stood upon the brink,it was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet.A light shone behind me,but i could not turn.I could only stand there,waiting..."

A line from the Extended Edition of The Return of the King by Eowyn.It was supposed to be a line for Faramir in the books,but i guess Faramir wouldnt mind giving it to his wife.Anyway,a description of the dream i seem to be able to relate.The quiet yet brief moments looking at the dark sea before me on the fifth floor of building 44 triggered the memory of this line.

BMT started,and to be honest things are running faster than usual right now.If you've watched "The Time Machine",you wouldve noticed the cool effects used in the movie when Alexander Hartdegen fast-forwards the time.That's exactly how the situation is like in camp now.I must add,that the trainings remain the same.I still feel that it is rather slack relative to the army life a couple of years back.The most tiring thing about the trainings is the fact that they are so crammed up together like tuna in a can.Just compacted up and squeezed together.Everything's supposed to be finished within a certain time frame,and they dont care if it eats into your free time or not despite proclaiming how much they respect them.To be honest,the army is just a big propaganda bullshit with a bunch of lies.Adrian in particular,feels queasy everytime he chances upon a propagandising poster stuck onto walls in the platoon office that reads,"Care for Soldiers".It is both ironic and Eye-Roll inducing.You hardly get more than 15 minutes of break between each training,and your day starts at 530am and ends around 1010pm on average.That leaves about 20 minutes of free time before lights out.And that includes washing up,brushing your teeth,changing into more comfortable clothes and calling your girlfriends.All of that in 20 minutes,and one can really find it hard to breathe.Personally,i am a victim of this hectic system.After the IPPT(Sort of like the Napfa),i was totally shagged.I gave it my all,and the results were desirable i must say.However,i was not given any breaks in between.It was closly followed by intense body contact trainings,first aid tests under baking hot sun and swimming lessons.By the end of everything i was suffering from a cracking forehead and a bad throat.I wonder if the people in the army ever realised that you cannot defend your country with sick soldiers practically everywhere.It is sensible,isnt it?

This is also why i am back home right now while everybody else is in camp training.I am down with a bad flu,and the MO(Medical Officers)gave me a medical leave back home.In a way,i am happy that i am home right before field camp.At least i get to have a breather before anything starts.But the downside of things is that i am going to miss a lot of lessons.But hell,im not going to give a shit about it.It's not like i want to go home anyway.Seriously,i wouldve stayed.Anyhow,since i am here i might as well give an update on things.

Back to the main topic,i feel as if i am on the brink of life.The edge of everything that i have grown to know.The army is like a hole on the road,and when you drive pass this hole your wheel gets stuck inside.The bad news is not the fact that you are stuck,but the fact that you are going to be stuck in this hole for two years.Imagine if you are in a Formula One race track and Michael Schumacher gets stuck in a hole like that while everybody else is speeding by.I bet even the world number one is going to erupt like a volcano.It is like a break in life,and this break is causing me to lose precious time.So much can be done within this year or two,and i am here doing things like that.Usually the word "Break" would mean a rest from something.But not in this case.Ironically,"Break" here literally means a detachment from your everyday life.It is frustrating in a way,when you come out from camp and surprised at home much you missed out from the outside world.True enough,Tekong does remind me of an alienated world.A twilight zone perhaps,that stands between the real world and the dream world.It shares nothing common with the real world that lies beyond the dark sea.Oh yes,the night sky.Something the twilight zone possesses that is worthy of remembrance.A short note i jotted down in camp concerning the beauty of it all:

"...This place is still so cold in the mornings,and the city lights are still so close to us over and across the sea.That dark void in between,the line of divergence between surrealism and reality.That darkness reflecting all but the most beautiful sight:The stars.The sparkling lights in the skies forms a line with the city lights,guiding me home like the Northern Star..."

Like Eowyn,before me lies a void.An abyss that falls into nothingness.Ahead of me,destruction of beauty and what you used to know.The light is behind,but you cannot turn.You just have to face the oncoming wave.This is so coincidental.How my situation seems to fit the Tsunami incident a month or so ago.I guess the people must have felt so helpless when the great waves came.So small against the force of Mother Nature.They just had to face it,even with full knowledge that they wont be able to handle it.And as for me,im not too sure if i am going to survive army life.Sure enough,i am probably going to survive physically.I am going to walk out of this bruised and scratched.Wounds can heal,but im more worried and concerned over my mental health.How it is going to jump back to life.I really want to stay away from this brink of life.The edge of reality.Standing on the edge makes you unknown.The chances of you being forgotten gradually increases.Think about it,the unwanted things you have in your house are often stuffed up in the corner right?How many of those things can you clearly remember at the tip of your fingers?With me being in the edge of life itself,i wonder how anybody can be remembered this way.How the pushing of me to the edge is going to make me more "Man" like how the army promises to make us.I dont feel more patriotic(Im not a Singaporean in the first place),and i dont feel more disciplined.I dont feel that NS changed anything in me yet,not mentally anyway.

It is strange how we are all on the same plane,but the difference between the centre and the brink can have so vast a difference.It's just the difference in positioning,but the attention you get can be totally different.The centre of attention are often harder to forget as compared to those at the edge.The brink of life itself.As though i am left on the edge to rot and gather thus,it can get really tough living by myself alone on the island.Beneath the sweat hides the anguish,and beneath the helmet and the field packs sits a man that is on the edge of everything,eager to break free.

I guess in everyone of us,lies a person that sits on the edge.In your life you encounter this man sitting on the edge,and you become him or her for a while.Then you start to realise how fortunate you are to be back in the centre.Fingers crossed.

Song of the Moment---Walk on the Ocean by Toad The Wet Sprocket

Of the One Month Report
Millions of apologies to my friends and the readers of this blog for my absence.As many of you guys already know,i was forced to join the army a month's time back.Oh well,that was a pain in the ass.I had a couple of book out days amidst the screwed up timetable,but never really the mood to blog.Most of the free time i had was spent on eating,sleeping and hanging out with family and friends.Suddenly,blogging dropped out of the top five spot on the "Priority List",falling behind the activities mentioned above.

So how was the army like you ask?Lets put it this way.Before i entered,i expected a whole tub of poop being thrown on me.However,i recieved only a bucket of it.My point is,i expected much worse.I probably expected myself to pick option E on my "NS Questionaire".And that is,to kill myself.Oh well,things werent too bad.I love my platoon mates.They are a great bunch of people i must say.The call to CMPB from my mother was comforting,especially after she told me that the people in my platoon would consist of predominently.That was a relief on my part,because that meant that frequency wouldnt be a problem.Come to think about it,the worst day of army life from day one till now,was day one itself.Im not too sure why,but i hated the first day.The master sergent actually screamed at the recruits on the first day.But he really is a pretty nice guy and so full of bull.The first taste of NS life was when Platoon Sergent of Platoon 3 screamed at the recruits for not being able to differentiate between left and right.That particular scream was followed by a string of hokkien vulgarities.Then it was the oath taking session in the auditorium,which started off in an awful mood because of the screaming above,as well as the expected trainings coming up.Of course,since our parents were present the video shown was full of propaganda bull."Unforgettable and Memorable experience" it said.As Platoon Sergent of Platoon 1(David Song)later confirmed,it is a whole lot of bullshit.I remember how my dad waved to me as he walked towards his seat.But i pulled a long face,and was in an awful mood.I forgot what went through my mind.Fear,perhaps a little bit of sadness mingled amongst a whole lot of emotions.It was a emotion generating session,and i felt so alone.The lunch that followed didnt cheer me up at all.

The first night was far from good as well.As expected,none of us could sleep that night.Personally,i kept rolling around on the extremely uncomfortable pillow,and staring out into the cold night sky outside the window.Thoughts swirled,and i didnt have someone to talk to back then.Slowly,i started to write in my notebook.Poems and short phrases over the two weeks.I slowly got to know my bunkmates,and they are great people as well.This is how the recruits are distributed on Tekong.We are divided into companies,and i am from Orion.Basically the order runs alphabetically ,excluding some letters like "Q" and "X"(Probably because they were too stupid to come up with cool company names for those letters).Then each company is divided into four platoons,and i am in platoon four.Then each platoon is then divided into sections,and then beds.Each section should consist about 10 to 13 recruits.But because i am in the last section(Section 4),we only have seven.

Bed one is Christopher(Or Ho Wah).He has a baby face,and is commonly known throughout the platoon as "Ho Wah" or "Baby".Always the target for us to bully,and a might set a tad bit too innocent for a 18 year old.When asked some personal questions about girls,he couldnt answer them all.When asked about the people in his school,he knew none.He is a nice guy,but acting cute has a limit Christopher!Bed three is Varun(Or Varun the Great as he likes to call himself).This Indian man from Sri Lanka has a screwed up attitude.He is a nice guy ultimately,but he can get very cranky sometimes.Almost too grumpy,and sometimes very naggy.A little too old for his age,and i am not talking about maturity here.Pushing responsibilities is what he does best,and can be really lazy when it comes to personal trainings.Surprisingly,despite being the laziest recruit in my bunk he managed to improve on his pullup counts.That pissed me off a little bit,but i guess his record is not going to hold for too long.He is the toilet IC,and due to that he made a couple of enemies here and there every morning when he locks the toilet to prepare it for area cleaning.Especially the more urgent cases of bladder movements.Bed four is Ravi.He is the man.On first look,you wouldnt expect him to be too wild or friendl.He has a stern face,and the physique to match it.He was in the NCC,and the he naturally had a rough idea of what to expect in camp."The sergents here are peanuts compared to the ones at my school".Oh well,perhaps.Anyway,he is a nice guy.Definitely somebody you can count on.Next would be NingShan,the all too serious man of the bunk.I respect this guy to a certain expect,because of his clear mind and knowledge.After all,he was from Raffles' Institution(But screwed up and went to CJC).If we are able to elect a leader of each section,it wouldve been him.But for some reason he seems to be the leader of himself,and not the crowd as a whole.He commands,but never forceful.Being the serious guy of the platoon can be both beneficial and detrimental to his road to OCS.Bed six is Gary,the Mr Nice Guy.Very quiet,and always in thoughts with himself.He is somebody whom you would consider to be a nerd back in school,but in the army nobody cares about your history.Not too much anyway.Very organised he is,and never fails to help.Bed seven is Adrian,probably the guy who clicks the most with myself.He is a nice guy,and a nice girlfriend Trisha to match up.Our bunk has twelve beds,and six on each side.He is the seventh person of the bunk and thus,he sleeps on one side of the room while everybody else sleeps on the other.It can get a little creepy and lonely in the middle of the night if you place yourself in his shoes(Or bed).He would drag his mattress in between myself and Varun and spend the night talking to me.Of course,i would usually initiate the "Go to Sleep" command towards the end of our D&M(Or Deep and Meaningful Conversations).He is a nice guy as well,and probably somebody i can rely on(Hopefully).But please try harder not to delay everybody by being the last guy out of the bunk everytime alright?

I have to say that my sergents are pretty nice.Coincidentally,four out of five of them have their names starting with "J".Platoon Sergent is Jude,and the rest of the sergents are Jonathan,Jasbir,Leonard and John who got transfered to Ninja just the day before yesterday.Leonard is a pain in the ass,and so is Jude.They are the unreasonable ones,though they always have the "I hate to be unreasonable" phrase lingering around their lips,it often contradicts to their actions.I mean,my section was late for fall in one day alongside a dozen other recruits,and we were forced to go for Guard Duty(Which turned out to be quite a fun experience later on).I mean,some others who were early that day,have been constantly late on the other days.I guess it all comes down to luck,and that is a very important factor to consider in the army.If you are lucky enough,you can escape without any serious scoldings or whatever.Leonard is the gay,supposingly.He is two-faced(Alongside Jude),and always pulling a face in front of us.The worst thing is,both their jokes are never funny.Not that i want to complain,but NS men really have to update their joke books and seriously consider seeking aid from their young cousins or sons,because they are not going to get many girlfriends(Or boyfriends)in the future with cheap jokes they are pulling.Seriously,stop trying.

Jonathan,Jasbir and John are great sergents.They get pissed off when needed to,and fun when needed to as well.I guess every sergents should look up to them.When not in training,Jasbir and John would come up to our bunks and talk to us personally about NS life and check out on our physical and mental health.And i thought that is the job of the platoon sergent?No wonder i have more respect for the other sergents as compared to Jude.He doesnt know how to control his mood,and when he is pissed he calls us "Idiots".Yeah,so that is the worst insult you can come up with?Grow some brains,go home and have a cup of coffee,calm yourself down and read the "1001 Insults" book before you book in again.Seriously,you dont have my respect and the authority you are supposed to have.What a shame.

Despite the immaturity,i have to say that my sergents are still decent as compared to the others.David Song,DeWei and other sergents can be crazy at times.They always have something up their sleeves to put you in the deepest pits of hell.Thank god i have no relations to them whatsoever,or else i wouldve been six feet under after a week or so(And that is being generous).

The trainings can be tough and demanding,but not as tough as i thought.I guess i over-estimated the toughness of the army.I guess partially,the reason for it is because this is a new system,and the sergents themselves are new to them.Moreover,they have placed more emphasis on welfare and the health of the recruits rather than the full emphasis they had on fitness a year ago(They never had chefs last year in the cookhouse).Due to that,i dont even think BMT(Basic Military Training)is going to be as hard as it used to be.Sergent Jonathan was saying how slack PTP is,when he himself went through PTP a year ago.Well,things clearly changed.And im pretty sure BMT is not going to be as tough as before.Im just going to face things with a smile and a joke.Dust myself off and walk on.Just like when i was in the march yesterday in the pouring rain with my field pack,SBO,helmet and rifle.I hate marches,and with the distance gradually increasing over the weeks i dread it even more.Thankfully(Sarcastically),it rained yesterday.We were drenched and cold,and the march was not cancelled.It didnt lighten my mood at all,but being the joker of the platoon i tried to cheer myself up by cheering up everybody else.So i led songs,and i joked along the way.And at the end of the day,the march didnt seem too long at all.Though i was drenched,and i was awfully cold,i actually felt good after the march.The first time that i actually felt good after one.Truly a good feeling to have.

On Tekong,everything is a tad bit too far away.Home is inside,with the planes taking off from the airport just across the channel.I can see the airport tower,only a tad bit bigger than the width of my pinky in the distance,and the planes soaring above the facility now and again.Reality never fails to detach,and you feel like you are in a different dimension all of a sudden.No televisions,and no newspapers.Nothing from the outside world,and the lot of us are usually ill-informed.Mr John Lim's death in New Zealand came as a shock only after a fellow recruit told me about it.Then there is the Tsunami that claimed over 100000 lives around Asia.All these sudden incidents just came upon me like the Tsunami itself.Too sudden,and a little difficult to handle.Too many things happening around the world,with a veil pulled over our eyes by the army.I was thinking about the difference between the army and the prison the other day,and you'd be surprised at the similarities.I guess the sergents are wardens without patons.Most importantly,i miss my family and friends.Well,i am handling the distance between me and my friends pretty well i must say.Better than i expected myself to.There's always the handphone to kill time,and they are just a scroll and a few buttons away on the phone.In army,i really realised that i have friends that are truly the building blocks of my life.I love my mom,and i love my dad.I love my sister,and all the concerns from my other friends.XinYu's kind supplies of food and drinks was touching,and i was dumbfounded on that rainy day.Everytime i open the drawer in my cupboard in camp,i see the clothes and the food prepared for me by my family and friends,a surge of warmth fills me up."A bit of home..." i always mutter to myself.

One great thing about Tekong is the night skies.The constellations are amazing in the morning.The lines you can draw,and the shapes you can form from the stars in the sky are endless.The variety of cloud formations you can see are astounding and breathtaking.Ive never seen such a beautiful sky in my life,and despite the cold mornings on Tekong and the blistering cold winds,i risk getting a flu just to take a look up into the sky.Amazing,i tell you.Simply amazing.

It is Sunday,and i will be booking in again later at 8pm.It's not going to be too bad for me,because ive made so many friends there.It sucks to leave everybody behind,but i guess it's all going to be fun.To learn something new i guess,and that's being optimistic.No point being pessimistic about things really,and just laugh things off when things take the 'wrong-est'turn.Until the next book out,this is me signing out.;)

A song to describe my feelings about my life right now.Very fitting,and very soothing.I love the tone of the song,and i hope you guys like it.My thoughts towards the numerous that died during the Tsunami,Mr John Lim and his wife,my detached life,my friends and family,and everything else...

Across the Universe
By Fiona Apple

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Jai guru de va, jai guru de va
Jai guru de va, jai guru de va
Jai guru de va.

Jai guru de va, jai guru de va.

Song of the Moment---Across the Universe by Fiona Apple

Of the Blind Archer and his Confession
I figured,since this entry will be my last entry in a long time,i dont see why i shouldnt make it a tad bit longer than usual.I know,ive recieved complains from friends like Samuel Ong that my entries have been growing in length since forever ago.Well,there are a couple of things in my life that i dont have control over.Thoughts,being one of them.They just keep coming,and like a man laying tracks before a speeding train i have to type them all down in words.Please forgive me for being so long winded,but sometimes it is the only way to come around.

For some reason the song from the "Closer" trailer keeps ringing in my head.I have not a clue what the name of the song is,or the singer(Perhaps Krishna you can enlighten me).But everytime i watch the trailer i feel this desperate urge to find it on the net.Here's the link.

Link to the Trailer

While the rest of the song doesnt seem to relate to my life right now,the first two lines do."And so it is.Just like you said it would be..." For some reason,it just hit me in face like pancakes on a surprise birthday party.Right now,here i am sitting on the sofa in my room,watching as the clock go by.A tribute to the first scene in "About Schimidt",where Warren Schimdt awaits in his office for the clock to hit five;his official time to retire.We do things in life for a purpose,whether you like it or not.You go downstairs and plug the key into the car because you want to drive to the mall to pick up some food.You go on to the net because you want to talk to friends,and perhaps make new ones.You pick up your guitar because the silence around you is too hard to bear,and your fingers need a little stretching exercise.Whatever it is,we all do things for different purposes.

The last days of my life here seem to be losing a lot of those.Purposes.Destinations or goals dont seem to exist anymore.We make friends,and we build certain bonds and relationships with them.This takes time,and it doesnt happen overnight.I was just thinking to myself yesterday night what the significance is right now to make friends.I wont meet them too often.Not often enough to have any forms of relationships or bonds building up.Twice a week,for the next two years.In my opinion,that is call a shortage.A shortage of time.Time working against you.So you start to wonder what is the purpose of making friends now.Because this relationship seems to have an expiry date marked on it.And that is,10th of December.After that,it is going to disintegrate to a relation that is as close as the relationship between you and the manhole at the side of the streets.Believe me,with that expiry date looming ahead,all purpose is gone.

I was moody yesterday night for some reason.Hot fumes escaped my nostrils and ears,and i just wanted to strangle somebody.I picked up my guitar and decided to learn something new."Neon" and "83" i tried,but to no avail.Once again,the purpose of learning a new song seems to be gone as well.I dont know how these songs' tabs are supposed to remain in my mind.It is impossible to learn a song in a day.Not these two anyway.So there i was,strumming at imaginary chords wondering what is the purpose of learning a new tune.Because i wont get a lot of chances to play it when i am away.I dont think anybody is stupid enough to drag a guitar all the way to the off shore island of Pulau Tekong,just to entertain his bunkmates with music(Though i have my fingers crossed).Once again,i dont see the purpose of doing anything,anymore.A friend of mine asked me what i was doing while i stared blankly into space.I simply replied,"I dont know what i am doing anymore..."

"And so it is.Just like you said it would be..."

And so it is.On the eve of my enlistment date i am stranded on the Island of Boredom.Without a purpose and doing things with no apparent goals.I cannot blame anybody for this.After all,i think i am the one responsible for subotaging the boat and capsizing it in the middle of the ocean.I am here,right now doing nothing.Absolutely nothing at all that is remotely constructive(Aside from this entry of course).People would think,that the last days as "Free Man" should be spent having fun.Clubbing,drinking,singing,dancing,you name it.But to me,i just dont have the mood to do any of the above.Im just,mood-less.Perhaps this is a mental disease that ive contracted.You ever seen those mental patients staring into deep space and drooling all over themselves?Well,im not drooling.Yet.But i am staring nonetheless.I guess we've all come to realise that some purpose in life are lost.Just,gone because of an impending doom ahead.A forthcoming catastrophe waiting to occur.A bloody TNT waiting to explode.

Looking back,there are so many things i took for granted.Of course,it was unintentional.Friends are buttons away from me.A phone call,or just simply logging on to the internet.I wonder how that is going to change while i am in camp.The only communication then would be pen and paper.Through the traditional method i guess.Post.Because of that,a lot of things are going to be missed when i am away.Mom's cookings.Dad's lame jokes.Hell,i am probably going to miss my sister's constant irritation as well.Then there are my friends,who have been there for me through all the thicks and the thins.It never occured to me that i am going to lose them anytime soon until now.I know i will be coming back.I know this is not a departure that is going to last for eternity.But people have legs and dreams.They move around.And by the time you return,they are going to be so totally different from before.I myself,would be so much more different.So in the end,both parties end up like total strangers.We start back at one.

Like the chess board,the pieces are set.Dad's back from Taiwan to send me off to NS.The bag's packed,and i am already saying farewell to my hair.I remember how i used to wave goodbye to my room when i was a kid while going on a long holiday overseas.I wonder if i should do that again.After all,im sure we did a lot of stupid things back then when NS was part of a fairy tale and school was a playground.Everything is set for me to depart,save for one.Me.

The board is set.
The pieces are moving.
We come to it at last.
The great battle of our time.

Gandalf said that,and i guess it applies to me.Of course,that is if you change the "We" to "I",and "Our" to "My".This is a battle,literally.The battle of wits,and courage.Mental torture awaits,and im not sure if i can take it.Im sure ropes can be easily attained in camp.Of course,i must first find an overhanging pole or pipe to hang myself.Committing suicide wouldnt be much of a problem inside(But it poses a problem to my bunkmates).Or simply run out through the gates and wait for the guards to shoot me.Do remember then,to write a "Thank You" note.

I am like a blind archer now.Always hitting the target before i got blind.With every arrow that i release,it soars through the air and hits every single target.With the frequency of hitting the target being so high,we start to take this ability for granted.Most of the time,unintentionally.After a fatal and tragic accident,i went blind.I cannot shoot as accurately anymore.I am missing things.People.So many people in my life.I am missing them everytime i try to reach out.I keep missing,and going off target.Friends from school that i am going to miss.Family members.Objects like my computer,guitar and such.How can one possibily look at this in a positive and optimistic manner?I am going to miss you guys,and it is already taking its toll on me.Soon i shall be blind.Hitting a target would be like trying to score a goal from a mile away.Missing you guys,shall become a norm for this soon-to-be blind archer.And that is me.

All my bags are packed
Im ready to go.
Im standing here outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking,
This early morn'.
The taxi's waiting,
He's blowing his horn.
Already im so lonesome i could cry.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Cause im leaving on a jetplane.
I dont know when i'll be back again.
Oh babe,i hate to go.

Never really thought that i would actually relate to this song.But i am.And i can.It sucks to leave.Really.But i must,however unwilling.Pray for me.Pray that i will return with my limb still intact,with no broken bones and holes in my head.That i can walk home myself with both my feet,carry my bags with both my arms,hear your whispers and still smile at your jokes.Really.That is all i need.Prayers.I hate to leave.I hate to leave.So really hate to leave.This is killing me,even before anything has happened.

So here comes the end of this entry.Maybe the last entry in a long time.Hopefully,this will not be the end of my blog.It lives on,as i continue to jot down notes in the notebook i am going to bring along.Before that,i guess this blog will close temporarily.Unless Samuel,you are willing to maintain it for me.So this is farewell.Nermallie,as the elves would say it.

Home is behind.
The world ahead.
And there are many paths to trait.
Through shadow,
To the edge of night.
Until the stars are all alight.
Mist and shadow,
Cloud and shade.
All shall fade...
All shall fade...
---Pippin

Of Idle
Besides the times spent reading "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown these days,most of the time were spent being in a state of idle.Despite Prom 2004 being one of the most sorted after,most looked forward event of the year by my peers,it didnt stir up enough dust to make the day worthy of remembrance within my mind.I must say,that it was good.In fact,it was fun.But it wasnt great.Then you start to wonder the significance of the prom,and how much value it is going to represent when you are 30 years old.It couldve easily been called the "PhotoTaking Session in Nice Gowns and Suits" instead of "Dinner And Dance" with a fancy theme of "Starry Night" which was not properly followed by the organisers anyway.Besides the big banner that hung from the stage,there was no dress code whatsoever that related to the theme,and i think i am pretty safe to say that the host definitely did not follow the theme all too strictly with his cheap jokes.

These days were a blur to me.The last days are the days im living right now.And more often than not,details are usually neglected during the hectic times.Light the passing street and neon lights flashing by the car window,they leave a trail of light and disappears once you travel far enough.Like a veil being pulled over my eyes these days,nothing registered.Ever since i sent Krishna off things slowly came to a drag.For some reason,the gang expected me to cry when i send Krishna off."Mad!" was my comment when Samuel told me that.His reasoning was that i am the closest to Krishna,and as a result i topped the list when it comes to the people who has the potential to cry at the airport.Of course,i didnt.His class were there,and were nice enough to make a enlarged photo of Krishna and XP together.Well,i guess that gives him something to wank to when he's immersed in the boredom of homeland Indonesia.Before he left,he gave us all hugs and we gave him our best wishes.He left reminders and good luck to us as well.The sad thing was probably the fact that no girls saw him off that day.But i guess that cards and the messages on MSN were enough to keep that guy smiling from Indonesia to Germany.We got onto the MRT soon after he left,and to be honest nothing seemed to have changed just yet.Samuel,Ahmad,Ben and I played cards as we waited for the MRT to leave the platform.It all seemed too familiar,and i guess the full impact was still far off and has yet to reach our own planets yet.Before that,life goes on.

After that was when the blurry feeling started to grow.It mightve been the sore legs both Ahmad and I had while hunting for his tie for the prom.It took us awhile to finally settle on a brown tie at John Littles.But the search did not end in vain,considering how i managed to seek out information concerning the Martin guitar Mr Wong mentioned about that was under one thousand dollars and of decent quality(City Music at Park Lane).The stroll home that day was kinda weird.It was drizzling that night.It drizzles every night nowadays,and in the afternoons too.The prom next day did not cheer me up all too much.The sight of Krishna leaving lingered in my thoughts as i crossed the busy streets and unlocked the back gate alone.I didnt know why,but everything bounced off mind everytime they try to enter.I guess it must have got something to do with the NS enlistment date.I know it.Ive got a gut feeling on this.I just know it.

Monday,the day of the prom.It did not start too cheerfully.The morning i woke up to was a wet one,with the rain splattering on my window and the air smelling like a moist January afternoon.The day worsened when i couldnt find the camcorder which i intended to take pictures with at the prom.It turned out,that my sister(In Taiwan as i speak)took both her digital camera and the camcorder back to Taiwan.As a chaser of celebrities(Or Idols)herself it is not hard to come up with a reason as to why she brought both cameras back.When asked why she did what she did,she simply replied,"I dont know." She also asked me to take photos with my friends' cameras,and wait for them to transfer the pictures to me.I dont think she even had the right mind to consider how my friends have other friends too,and that they cannot have half the memory card dominated by my pictures.After all,selfishness is a term that appears in your dictionary.Not mine.Moreover,this is like crashing your car into somebody else's,and asking that person to fix the car himself.Or,killing somebody's baby and go,"Make another one." I was furious that morning,and i had my fist clenched the whole way to Ahmad's house.According to my mother,my sister asked her friend for help when i was already gone.She borrowed a camera from her friend and asked me to head to her house and take it.I appreciate the trouble you went through my dear sister,but a simply "Sorry" couldve solved everything.I guess the word "Selfishness" was too long for words like "Sorry" to fit into that tiny dictionary of course.Instead of making me feel a little better,i swear i almost cut my own palm with my nails when i clenched the fist even harder.

Ahmad took a shot at being a hair stylist at his place after a brief wash of my hair at his place.Well,he messed my hair up.But who can i blame?I didnt really expect him to replicate what the humorous barber did in Taiwan,considering the difference between the length of my hair and his.But then again,i wanted to save money.And seeing how Ahmad does his hair usually,i was his Guinea Pig for the Moment(Ahmad,you better not get used to it).We headed down to Compass Point afterwards,with the row of Salons at the fourth floor.We picked one,and went in.I gave some instructions,and the girl nodded her head.Ahmad had a guy tending to his head,while a girl tending to mine.Of course,when it comes to a situation where you are sitting down and a person is standing up with a pair of razor sharp scissors in his or her hand,it is better to not argue with that person and let the person do his job.So i closed my eyes after those brief instructions,and allowed her to tend to my hair.When i opened my eyes,i was utterly shocked by the transformation she did to my hair.It was,a mess.Bushy,i later commented.Initially i said,"Spike the back".But she clearly did not follow the instructions and had my hair all combed to the front.It was horrendous,and she actually said,"You shouldve cut." Well,WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THAT I SHOULD CUT THEN?Besides,if i could spike my hair,my mother could spike my hair,the stylist in Taiwan could style my hair,i dont see why you couldnt.As Ahmad chewed on his crappy crab thing,i was mumbling away concerning the hair.I called myself "FlatTop" afterwards.

We prepared a little,and was out of the house by 550pm.The trip was brief,and the driver was complaining away about how irritating the ERP system is yada yada.We had a brief conversation,and here it is:

Driver,"Why didnt you guys take the MRT?It is faster and cheaper."
Myself,"It's raining,and we figured a cab is better."
Driver,"You shouldve taken a cab.It's really cheaper,trust me."
Myself,"But it's kinda weird to be in an MRT in a suit and tie isnt it?"
Driver,"No lah!You shouldve went to Japan!You see those teenagers with spiked up hair,corsets and weird costumes taking the train.You guys are nothing compared to them!"
[That comment was later followed by a weird hand gesture,which meant that we were a small fry compared to the Japanese]
Myself,"But,we are not in Japan?"
Driver,"Same lah!"
Myself,"How is it the same with different cultures?"
Driver,"It's the same lah!"

A toad at the bottom of a well i thought.It's different,bastard.

The venue at Swissotel was empty,with Ahmad's friend Glen and Terence wandering around with a few friends of theirs.Of course,i continued to crumble about my hair.FlatTop i was,and i intended to deal with the mess myself.The plan was to wash off the spray,put some water,find some gasoline and burn the god damn salon.

More people started to arrive,and they were astounding.Of course,i am talking about the ladies here.To be honest,the guys paled in comparison when you measure them on the "Glamour" scale.The girls looked different definitely,with some of them totally unrecognisable.The others took a step towards the gothic side,and applied a tad bit too much eyeshades around their eyes.I guess they were trying to go for the Avril Lavigne look without the tie.But i guess they shouldve checked the calendar which read 6th of Decemeber,instead of 31st of October.Beside some of the oddities amongst the crowd,the rest of the girls were amazing.The girls from my class were either beautiful,astounding or simply different from their usual looks.I myself never really liked the gothic look,but WenLai's make up and hair blended in real well with the gothic theme.Others worth mentioning were LiuYin,WanJun(Which recieved the howling treatment from the perverted host),Bernice and the reluctant Shariffah.

Once again,the idle side of me hit and i found myself drifting through the ceremony.I guess it mightve been the fact that i didnt have a camera by my side that time.And no,i didnt hope to see the world through both my eyes(Referance to John Mayer's "3x5").Let me summarise the evening in brief.It involved some stupid games(In which WanJun was humiliated in a way),a gay/perverted/lame host who was paid to sell his stupidity,and prom king and queen without the royal twist.Of course,they were handsome and beautiful.But they didnt feel right for the title.Hell,i think Samantha(Drama Club)shouldve been prom queen instead.But if she were to do anything that the prom queen candidates were asked to do on stage(Which included,squeezing your breasts together,shaking your butts,sticking our your tongue and throwing flying kisses around according to the demostration by the screwed up host),my impression of her wouldve crumbled and disintegrated.Like i said,it was a blur and the food was no more than awful.I bet if the leftovers were sent to some ELDC,it wouldve supplied them with 3 months worth of food.Or gather them on an empty field and call it "Mount de Surplus"(Which meant Mount Leftover in French).

The phototaking session was really the event most people were looking forward to.But not me,exactly.Not that i didnt want to take pictures or whatever.It's just that when you dont have a camera yourself,it is hard for you to actually enjoy taking pictures.Part of the excitement in taking photographs is capturing memories that you'd like to capture.But i didnt have the tool to do it,and therefore i found myself wandering through the crowd alone waiting for people to take pictures with.Basically,i couldnt say,"Hey can you take pictures with me?" because i didnt have a damn camera.All thanks to my sister.But thankfully,i took a whole lot of pictures all thanks to the Marists in the school,the class's girls,the Guitar Club and some other friends of mine.The Marists actually gathered together and took a group picture,which was later followed by the Maris School song led by Dudley Kow,the former choir boy himself.The phototaking session lasted for a long time(Which felt far longer and better than the ceremony itself).Samuel and TGM joined us after their work at the Orchard Hotel,complaining how they were mistreated by the "Captains" at the hotel's restaurant,serving food and drinks non-stop for five straight hours for a mere 27 dollars.Of course,not to mention IBM(You'd know Sam.How's that arm of yours anyway?).

I took a hell lot of photos i must say,and they can be found in Picture Gallery Two on the right hand side of this blog.Of course,im still waiting for people to send me more photos.When my sister asked me to show her the pictures,i purposely said,"i dont have any!" She must have felt guilty.Damn,im bad.So sue me.

The day ended with a brief farewell to my friends in the cab as it sped down the expressway(And past a half dead motorist on the road)with Samuel,Terence and their classmate.Samuel offered to pay for the ride,but of course we paid a bit of it.It was still raining,and i counted the days to my NS enlistment date once more.Then while i crossed the then empty street at 1230am,Krishna's blog entry floated into my mind.

The following is a part of Krishna's entry on December 3rd.

I was at Orchard Road, and it was bustling with people. The Chrismas decorations were up, the whole town area lit up so brightly. There were Chrismas Trees that jiggled, there were angels hung over the streets, with ornamental lights, making the whole scene look like a rainbow. There were girls and guys everywhere. Normally, I would've been really happy to be in the middle of the crowd, coz the whole thing felt so great! Yet, tonight, it felt really heartbreaking. This was the last time that I'm gonna see the Friday Night Lights of Orchard road, and it was just so gorgeous. It's like the whole thing was set up for me, and everyone came out to see me... and I'm glad that I'm leaving with such a gorgeous picture in my mind.

Everything was a tad bit clearer to me all of a sudden.It was so heartbreaking all of a sudden,with the realisation that some of the things that i was seeing,might be the last time i am going to see them for the next two years.The sky is going to be so different from the foliage of the trees at Tekong,and the ground so much softer,with the smell of wet mud and nightcrawlers.Due to that,i couldnt control my emotions all too well.I didnt cry or whatever,but i got irritated really easily these days.I didnt know why,but i was just pissed off at everything around me.Particular apology to Amenda by the way.This is just so quick,and it is tearing me apart so quick that im not even feeling the pain.Im just in a blur.A trance.Idle.Just staring into blank space and waiting for the day itself to come.I guess in some situations,we have a set of emotions that should bear.But nowadays,i feel nothing.Neither here nor there.Happy or sad.Depressed or joyful.Im just,here.Nowhere.Be it a day before Friday or a month,i dont feel the difference now.I just feel like the last days of my life here will be spent with me idling.Wasting my time away,and watching as the hands of time ticks by.Just,counting the days.

Siti offered to buy my something for my Christmas this year.Again.But all i said was:

"The best gift you can give me is to pray for me.Just pray."

I guess on the outside,i am kneeling before the sky praying.Thinking hard,and murmuring prayers under my breath.But inside,i am screaming so loud.As defeaning as it is,i cannot hear myself no more.

Song of the Moment---Blue Eyes by Cary Brothers.

Of Speechlessness
Garden State has one of the best movie sountracks ever.I just downloaded a couple of songs from that soundtrack and was hooked.Collin Hay's "I Dont Think I'll Ever Get Over You" must be one of the best moody songs i have ever heard.Remember how the little things in life which never meant anything,suddenly takes a great leap and take on top spot in the priority list?This song wouldnt have meant something to me,if it wasnt for my friends' departure.

This afternoon before i went to bed,was the time when i really thought about their absence.I wonder who i am supposed to catch a movie with from now on,or who to talk to when i found some interesting bits about a movie.For some reason,things seem to be breaking apart nowadays.It was just me,and my thoughts bouncing off the walls as i looked up at the ceiling.I never had anybody of importance leaving me.My grandparents died,but i was never close to them.Death never occured to me as a "Next Door Neighbour" issue.Not even departure.They never were too close for comfort,and always keeping a safe distance from me.Like a small boy hiding under the tin roof,looking at the storm far away in the mountains and wrapping himself with the big yellow raincoat.Always too far for considerations,and never closer enough to bother.But right now,when everything is falling into place,i seem to feel like i am caught off guard.When we parted at the Somerset MRT station,it never dawned on me that that might easily have been the last time im going to see that guy ever again.

We all have our goodbyes.Day by day,we say goodbye to people and welcome new ones into our lives.But his goodbye to the lot of us seems to be particularly long.It's like when you are on a holiday trip to Thailand,and you find your pocket rid of cash and credit cards because someone just hooked it out without your knowledge.Then this vacation becomes a long and dreadful one.Similarly,with so many goodbyes in such a short period of time,it does seem like a long goodbye.Like an extended version of a movie(Or extended cut in technical terms),sometimes the movie simply becomes a drag with bad editing being evident(Watch Amadeus).

Before i started this entry at 140am,i really didnt know how i should structure it.There are just things that are going through my head so fast.Too fast for me to put them down in words.His departure to me is a big deal,but i just dont know how big a deal it is until he really is gone.I know it is going to be a tough road ahead of me,but i just dont know how tough it would be.It's that fear of the unknown that scares us all sometimes,but when you are really in that unknown place,you'd then know how scary it actually is.I dont know how i am supposed to cope with things after he leaves.Life goes on of course,it never stops.It never pauses for anything,and it never halts.What we pray for in life,really is to have memories that are able to withstand the test of time and live on forever in our minds.We meet more friends,but the old ones are the friends that truly stays with you.New songs are heard every single day on the radio,but it is the old classics that stays with you.That actually means something.

Im sure in our hearts,we all have our unwillingness.Dont you just hate changes,especially when it is inevitable.You feel helpless,and amidst the helplessness of it all we have to endure the pain of separation.I dont know what the hell is going to happen at the airport really.The decision was made between Sam,Ben,Mad and myself all too sudden and spontaneously that i actually forgot to find out ther Terminal at first.

Im out of words.There's something raging inside me that is eager to burst out right now,but for some reason a force is keeping it in.I dont know why,but i feel like tearing myself apart,or destroying something close at hand.I am basically speechless right now.I am typing without actually thinking about what i am going to type.My mind is blank,because i dont know what is going to hit me when tomorrow really comes.God i hate this who separation thing.It is things like that in life that makes it so unbearable sometimes.It is why people go "Life Sucks" all the time.Because there are so many things that go against your will all the time.When was the last time something actually went according to plan,and you were happy about it?I shall stop talking.Really.In fact,i never really had anything to talk about in the first place.Here's two songs that might perhaps describe my feelings at best.John Mayer's "Wheel" and Collin Hay's "I Dont Think I'll Ever Get Over You".

Wheel

People have the right to fly
And when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along.
Let's move it along.

And airports
See it all the time
With someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh

I Dont Think I'll Ever Get Over You

I drink good coffee every morning
comes from a place thats far away
and when i'm done i feel like talking
without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
what is closer to the truth
but if I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

no longer moved to drink strong whiskey
I shook the hand of time and I knew
that if I lived til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Well,that's it my friend.Here comes the end of our fellowship.I dont know if this chapter of my life shall continue.If this script of ours will ever be finished.But this unfinished piece of work was a great read,and im hoping for your return so that we can all finish it.Good luck man.

Song of the Moment---I Dont Think I'll Ever Get Over You by Collin Hay